Worry

God I love this life. I really really do. And I really like not feeling stress or pressure. I have to work today at 10 and I want to go in but I don’t. I think it’s good for me. It keeps my mind preoccupied. Away from that question that keeps knocking at my door, “what are you going to do with your life? Where is the money going to come from? How can you sustain this life without going back to a crazy job? What if you want a baby? How will you afford that?” Because the truth is, Im not all THAT worried about my future for once. My old worry wants so badly to bother me but the reality is I feel calm for some unknown reason. Like Im going to be taken care of, that something will come up, something will make sense, as long as I continue to do what is good for me and follow my dreams. The unfortunate thing about that is now I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore. Im not sure I really want to cook for people everyday. I love cooking for my friends and for Tim but Im not so sure I want to be in a kitchen for 8 hours a day going bananas cooking for a bunch of faceless people. But that does not have to be my only option. I could do parties, hold classes, do evening events and teach people the little that I know. So either way....I just need to live my life and it will come to me naturally. It always does. I know this. I wanted to get out of Apple, I wanted to fall in love with my soul mate and so I kept looking and trying to make different men fit into what I thought love felt like and none of them were doing it for me then Tim came along. And I looked at him and said, “oh no..he’s way to young, he doesn’t make any money and he lives in England. He’s super cute and amazing and all but he’s not for me. I need that guy over there that I dont really like but that fits into my plan.” But the universe had a different plan for me. The one that I wanted all along and the one that I had been praying for. True love, a true magic and the rest of that stuff that I thought I needed I did not need and now here I am, away from Apple and advertising and living in a peaceful country side with the man of my dreams. So I should learn that I don’t need to plan anything. I have had proof of that my entire life and I never listened. I thought I needed to be in complete control so I did things I did not want to do and walked away from the things I really wanted because it did not fit 100% into MY plan. I listened to those around me rather than my own intuition. And this time, I did not even think. I just quit my job and moved to England with Tim and Im so happy. I know I will be taken care of, I am being totally taken care of.

I have always wanted the day to be gone so that I could stop working for the day, I think it’s that working for the weekend thing. The light at the end of the tunnel when Friday comes along and I did not have to go through the insanity of my week any longer. When I could get out of the relationship with the guy I did not like, move from the city I no longer appreciated. I have always wanted something more, something that I thought would be better than what I was living in. And it’s such a waste of a life. I never taught myself how to just be. And I don’t want to wake up when Im 80 and have not enjoyed my precious life that was given to me because I always wanted something other than what was happening in my moment. It’s not easy. I was born to worry. About everything. It takes everything I have not to worry. Right now Im not worried about the big life things but then the small things become louder. Like putting cloths in the dryer at 7:30 this morning. Will I wake someone up? Should I be putting my cloths in the dryer as the people that I live with don’t use the dryer because it takes up to much energy. Im on my bike and Im worried about the car behind me having to wait to pass me because the roads here are so tiny. Do I look pretty today? Am I wearing the right thing that flatters my chunky figure at the moment? I can never just be. It’s not in my nature. And really, who cares? People can take care of themselves and if they can’t it’s not my business. The car can honk, the landlords can tell me not to use the dryer, and no one cares what I look like but me so why can’t I just BE!!! I’ve made it my complete nature to not relax. I don’t know how. I cant believe I don’t have two huge worry wrinkles over my eyebrows though Im sure they are coming. It’s a constant struggle and one that I fight every moment. I just worry. The stressful job just added to the worry. I just gave myself bigger things to worry about on top of the small ones which made me the worst stress case on the planet. So at least that is gone and now I can battle the little ones. Make it a meditation. See the worry and just let it go. And if I continue to do that long enough I can teach myself a new behavior pattern.

Okay.....off to work. The dryer is beeping, which really makes me worried that Im waking up a household full of people. So I gotta go. Did I say I was not worried at the beginning of this? Huh.....I lied. Im worried :)