Mars bars and big asses

Worry

God I love this life. I really really do. And I really like not feeling stress or pressure. I have to work today at 10 and I want to go in but I don’t. I think it’s good for me. It keeps my mind preoccupied. Away from that question that keeps knocking at my door, “what are you going to do with your life? Where is the money going to come from? How can you sustain this life without going back to a crazy job? What if you want a baby? How will you afford that?” Because the truth is, Im not all THAT worried about my future for once. My old worry wants so badly to bother me but the reality is I feel calm for some unknown reason. Like Im going to be taken care of, that something will come up, something will make sense, as long as I continue to do what is good for me and follow my dreams. The unfortunate thing about that is now I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore. Im not sure I really want to cook for people everyday. I love cooking for my friends and for Tim but Im not so sure I want to be in a kitchen for 8 hours a day going bananas cooking for a bunch of faceless people. But that does not have to be my only option. I could do parties, hold classes, do evening events and teach people the little that I know. So either way....I just need to live my life and it will come to me naturally. It always does. I know this. I wanted to get out of Apple, I wanted to fall in love with my soul mate and so I kept looking and trying to make different men fit into what I thought love felt like and none of them were doing it for me then Tim came along. And I looked at him and said, “oh no..he’s way to young, he doesn’t make any money and he lives in England. He’s super cute and amazing and all but he’s not for me. I need that guy over there that I dont really like but that fits into my plan.” But the universe had a different plan for me. The one that I wanted all along and the one that I had been praying for. True love, a true magic and the rest of that stuff that I thought I needed I did not need and now here I am, away from Apple and advertising and living in a peaceful country side with the man of my dreams. So I should learn that I don’t need to plan anything. I have had proof of that my entire life and I never listened. I thought I needed to be in complete control so I did things I did not want to do and walked away from the things I really wanted because it did not fit 100% into MY plan. I listened to those around me rather than my own intuition. And this time, I did not even think. I just quit my job and moved to England with Tim and Im so happy. I know I will be taken care of, I am being totally taken care of.

I have always wanted the day to be gone so that I could stop working for the day, I think it’s that working for the weekend thing. The light at the end of the tunnel when Friday comes along and I did not have to go through the insanity of my week any longer. When I could get out of the relationship with the guy I did not like, move from the city I no longer appreciated. I have always wanted something more, something that I thought would be better than what I was living in. And it’s such a waste of a life. I never taught myself how to just be. And I don’t want to wake up when Im 80 and have not enjoyed my precious life that was given to me because I always wanted something other than what was happening in my moment. It’s not easy. I was born to worry. About everything. It takes everything I have not to worry. Right now Im not worried about the big life things but then the small things become louder. Like putting cloths in the dryer at 7:30 this morning. Will I wake someone up? Should I be putting my cloths in the dryer as the people that I live with don’t use the dryer because it takes up to much energy. Im on my bike and Im worried about the car behind me having to wait to pass me because the roads here are so tiny. Do I look pretty today? Am I wearing the right thing that flatters my chunky figure at the moment? I can never just be. It’s not in my nature. And really, who cares? People can take care of themselves and if they can’t it’s not my business. The car can honk, the landlords can tell me not to use the dryer, and no one cares what I look like but me so why can’t I just BE!!! I’ve made it my complete nature to not relax. I don’t know how. I cant believe I don’t have two huge worry wrinkles over my eyebrows though Im sure they are coming. It’s a constant struggle and one that I fight every moment. I just worry. The stressful job just added to the worry. I just gave myself bigger things to worry about on top of the small ones which made me the worst stress case on the planet. So at least that is gone and now I can battle the little ones. Make it a meditation. See the worry and just let it go. And if I continue to do that long enough I can teach myself a new behavior pattern.

Okay.....off to work. The dryer is beeping, which really makes me worried that Im waking up a household full of people. So I gotta go. Did I say I was not worried at the beginning of this? Huh.....I lied. Im worried :)

London and the Country

Im back from London. It was an amazing trip and thanks to Lauren, I had a great tour guide. We probably walked 20 miles and saw so much. A Jack the Ripper walking tour through the East End, then drinks with Harriet and her friend Kate at the bar where the prostitutes used to go back in 18th century. I learned that the living conditions were so bad and there was little water and the water that was available was so bad to drink it would kill you so everyone had to drink gin and was pretty much an alcoholic. Women had to sell their bodies for a bit of stale bread and a sip of gin. Which of course horrifies me when I think about the fact that it was not that long ago and what if something happens to our water supply. Will I have to shag someone for a pence, some gin and a bite of stale bread? ANYWAY.....we walked over the London Bridge (and I could not get “London Bridges falling down” out of my head for the entire day). Saw the London Tower, Big Ben and my favorite the Borough Market, one of the oldest outdoor Farmers markets on the planet (yes it's true) and there was so much amazing food and cheese I was glad to let go of my vegan for the weekend and ate a ton of it. Feeling it today but who cares, it was delicious! I was lucky enough to see a bunch of my friends from Apple and just had a great time.

I have to say though...it’s good to be home. In the country side with Tim. It’s calm here, quiet and I got to come home to the love of my life and am so grateful for that. I have been alone for so long with so much to keep me entertained but in the end, this is what I want. Unless I can somehow get all my girlfriends and their families to move to the country side in England and start a commune! Anyone??

I get that Im an extremist. I love the insanity of the city, the energy of it. I get there and I pick up on it right away. I can feel it running through my blood and I love it. I want to be out, do everything and eat good food and drink good wine and shop and be a consumer and spend money but honestly....there is nothing boring to me about being in love, having a calm life, cooking, being at home, not having a set schedule or a routine of what I need to do today and just go slow. I wonder if I really want both or if I just have not let go of my old life yet? Maybe I will always want both and if so I can find a way to make that happen. But I need to give this life some time. It’s not in my blood yet and not coursing through my veins but even as I say that I can feel the country life settling in. I’ve been here 20 days now and I can feel the difference. I feel calm, the knot in my stomach is gone and I see the opportunity to grow if I allow myself the time to let it all sink in and not run back to a crazy job in a big city because it’s all I know. Can I make this work? Can I really find a way to stay in a calm, slow life and find the adventure and excitement in that? To just be still and do what I love without being distracted by the collective insanity of a stressful job and the city? Can I get into the country side? Love? Doing things slowly? I think so. Its just going to take some time. It’s that deprograming thing. Lauren and I were walking through the city talking about how crazy it is that on her set in London they take an hour for lunch. We were like, “you take an hour for lunch?? Are you people crazy? Why are you not slumped over your computer eating a horrible sandwich that catering brought in so that you can stay at work at eat it while in front of your computer?!” And we realized that they are the civilized ones. We are the crazy ones. Huh....

One more thing...I just finished reading The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. I seriously cried through every sentence of all 321 pages. Not in a sad way but in a way that reminded me of passion, of life, of women and the importance of family and the love of friends. Of true love and the strength of the bond between people. I said it the first time I read it and I’ll say it again, if your a woman you should read this book once in your life. It’s so beautiful and reminds me to live my life with passion and feel everything rather than watch it go by holding my breath waiting for tomorrow.

OH!! And how could I forget. Tim finally washed his hair!! He gave up on the 6 weeks without washing. THANK GOD!!!

Rain and Tim and Me

6 weeks without washing

So I tried to follow my girlfriend Alison’s food blog and ended up following my own. I have no idea how I got by in a tech company. Im such an idiot when it comes to technology. Anyway...if your interested in Macrobiotics or vegan food she has a great blog with some great links. http://alisonpalison.blogspot.com Alison and I went to yoga school together and she is the one who taught me so much and constantly inspires me in macrobiotics and yoga.

Tim’s sister and fiance are coming in for a quick visit today and then Im off to a girls 5 day weekend in London tomorrow. I have not been to London yet so am super excited about it and about seeing Lauren. Were going to take a Jack the Ripper tour! I can’t wait. Then we are planning our 2 week vacation to Turkey. Leaving end of July.

Not much to say today. I attached some photos. Of the rain from my living room window, Tim and I, me in our kitchen, and my cute bike with the basket that Tim got for me.

It has finally stopped raining for a second and a half so Im going to hop on my bike and get to the farm to pick up some veggies to cook up for tonight before the downpour starts again. I have a few small windows of opportunity to actually be outside when it’s not raining. I think Im just going to have to get used to biking in the rain since I refuse to drive in this insane country of drivers. Im still biking on the wrong side of the road and looking the wrong way when I cross the street so going to avoid driving for the time being. Im sure I will get sick of not being able to drive soon enough but at the moment Im going to stick to the bike. It will help me loose this 10 pounds I gained during the iPhone launch (I like to blame everything I don’t want to take responsibility for on Apple). Not sure who the kicking post is going to be now. I guess myself. Or maybe I can just blame Tim for everything :)

OH...and p.s. Tim has a couple of experiments going at the moment that I should mention.

1. Growing his hair long (which I love and think he looks mighty foxy)
2. Someone told him that if you don’t wash your hair for 6 weeks it starts to clean itself and he was fascinated enough to attempt this experiment on himself. Soooooo.....I think we are on day 7. He’s trying to talk me into it but....um...no.

Love and Life

Im finally feeling more at home and not so strung out on what Im doing with my life, what is my plan for my future and just enjoying my moments. It’s only day 13 but it’s starting to happen. For the last 2 days I have not woke up in a panic wondering what in the hell have I done and beating myself up for not doing 25 productive things in my day. It’s such a challenge to just be with myself. To not listen to my head and to follow my soul and my heart.

I was writing a friend today about love and life and realized I needed to take my own advice. I also realized that being in a relationship is like a full time job that needs constant attention, constant love, and constant sacrifice of my heart. I want to love Tim and yet every time I do and every time I feel what I really feel for him I want to shut it down. It’s automatic. It’s what I have done my whole life and I have knowing, or unknowing, sabotaged every relationship I have ever been in based on the automatic shut down, just behaving poorly or focusing on all the things that are wrong with him, with us so that I do not have to feel this intense feeling and live with the fear that something might go wrong with it. He might leave, he might die, I might fall completely out of love with him so then why even try to love him because I don’t want to hurt him and I sure as hell don't want to be hurt so I might as well start planning my exit now. And all this goes through my mind in a split second. Our minds and thoughts work faster than the speed of light (yes it’s true) and all of a sudden, without knowing it, Im destroying my life and I don’t even know why. My mind has completely taken over and my soul and heart didn’t even have a say in the matter. So I’ve stayed safe. Protected by my career, my money, my friends, my home and the end result, over and over, is that I have been alone. Even when I’ve been in relationships I’ve been alone because I have never given him or myself the opportunity to truly be in it. Our ego’s take over and our walls come up and then all of a sudden we are breaking up and dislike one another and we don't even know why.

So now, I have none of my protection. I have no career, no money coming in, no job or project to keep my mind and body completely preoccupied every second of my day. I don’t have my girlfriends to distract me with wine and dinners and amazing times. So many of those times when I’ve heard myself say, “who need’s a man anyway? I’ve got plenty of money, a great job, lots of friends and a sperm bank as close as my laptop if I want a baby”. It’s been a lie for me. I’ve always wanted to truly be in love with my soul mate. So now...It’s just me, here, alone in England with Tim. And maybe on some subconscious level I knew I needed to leave everything behind to make this one work. This one is special. More special than any before him and so without thinking Im all of a sudden here, in a small village with nothing to protect me and it’s scary. But if Im going to follow my own advice, it’s worth it. To open up, to allow myself to be loved and to truly love someone else, regardless of what the outcome is. To constantly practice opening up my heart and soul to this experience and not future trip about what is going to happen with us. Stay unattached to the outcome. Not plan the wedding and the names of our children in my head (though I do admit to a little whiplash whenever I see a bridal shop). Some habits are hard to break. Although I know one thing as a proven fact, whatever I have done in my past, has not worked. It has never worked. So now Im doing something different. Im putting myself first, not him, though I am putting our relationship first. Making that the priority in my life. Not my career or my girlfriends or anything else, but treating this relationship almost like a child. Constantly asking myself what it needs to be happy and stay healthy and be nurtured. Almost like it’s it’s own separate entity. Not just what Tim needs or what I need, but what do we need as a couple to stay happy and healthy? The first step is an open heart and then alot of communication and complete honesty on my end. Telling him everything that is going through my head and what I like and what I don’t like and just being myself 100%. That is also another thing I have never done. I’ve never thought I was good enough so I have always attempted to be whatever it is I think they want me to be and not ever asked for what it is that I want and need. That is a whole other project. But thankfully I’ve been through enough rancid relationships where I was not myself to know that didn’t work either. So Im just me, 10 pounds overweight, 11 years older, scared, in love, and totally open. It’s not easy but it’s easier to be myself than to try to be something or someone that Im not. I didn’t grow up learning to be open and ask for what it was that I wanted. I stayed quiet and contorted myself into whatever made those around me happy and conformable. So...not doing that anymore either.

Life is just a constant lesson. Im 39 and feel like Im a child at times. How do I not know this stuff? But I don’t. And I don’t think Im completely alone either. Which is the unfortunate part. If only we all learned at a young age that we were amazing creatures and we deserved our heart’s desire, what a world this would be. Ahh well...then maybe life would not be so spicy and full of learning and adventure. Constantly seeking, constantly learning and constantly growing.

So...see what happens. I can see that is part of the reason Im here. Im always looking for the reason behind everything in my life. Why did the universe bring me here? Because I know I did not do this all on my own. My plan for me 4 months ago was not to quit my 6 figure salary job at the best company in the US and move to a small village in England fall in love with a 28 year old man. Yet here I am....and Im so grateful Im here.

Bath: The Spa & Bruno

Tim took me to the spa today in Bath. I don't have any pics of the spa but it was beautiful. We sat on the roof top mineral pool and looked out over the city. It was amazing. Then we walked around Bath, bought a bunch of stuff including a new digital camera (which by the was it is so cool that you can just put your memory card into the new mac book and it goes directly into iPhoto) and then went to see Bruno. It's so weird being in this amazing place and then going to see a movie. It's nice to know I can come back anytime because I live here ;) Just finished up a nice macro meal and about to go to sleep. The sun doesn't go down until 10:30 so it messes with my head but Im tired enough that it wont bug me tonight.

Jorge's visit, Banksy and Deep fried Mars Bars

Met up with Jorge in Bristol. So good to have a friend in town. Went to the Banksy exhibt then met up with Tim who introduced us to the Fish and Chip truck that shows up in our village every Friday night. Evidently they also feel it necessary to deep fry a Mars bar....very delicious. A great pic of Tim and Jorge after the fried food feast at our flat. THEN...out to the pub. Great English day / evening!

Oh...and p.s. Yes...that is Jorge with a fanny pack.

True Blood

Well...I basically spent all day yesterday watching Season 2 of True Blood. I jacked it off some video stream thing on the internet (thanks Alesha ;). It was a perfect day! It was cloudy and cold outside, I shut the blinds, got out my knitting, made some tea and watched 3 episodes of Season 2. I think I would have been a great housewife back in the day. I guess it's not to late to aspire to that. I dont think I could do it without the pills though so might want to rethink that one.

Im off to Bristol to meet up with Jorge and run around town then show him my little village and the pub tonight in Wrington! Should be hopping on a Friday night!

Another Day

Well....Im still smoking. I had this ridiculous idea that I would not want to smoke if I was not stressed out. NOT the case. I know better, my addictions travel with me. I don’t get to leave my addiction to nicotine at Apple. Though I wanted to blame it for starting again. Also not the case. If Im really here to change my life and use this time as a jumping off place for the next half of my life then I’ve got to stop. Every time I smoke Tim gets this look of fear in his eyes and I know it’s because he is afraid Im going to die. Because people that he has truly loved have died. His Mother and his Grandmother both when he was young. The two women that he depended on and gave his heart too. I need to quit for me but I can feel what it does to him. It reminds me of the feeling I used to have when my Mom used to smoke (before I started). I was so scared she was going to die from smoking...and years later she did. So there....shit...I have to quit. I hate it.

I woke up this morning depressed. I literally have nothing to do today but figure out how to work the washing machine and do our laundry (and quit smoking). And Im sad about this why? I think because for the first time in my life I have no excuses or distractions keeping me away from what I want for my life. I truly have the opportunity to do them now. My girlfriend Laura, who also left her job and is taking time for herself as well said, "it’s like we need to deprogram ourselves." It’s so true and it’s going to take some time. I can’t expect to put on the breaks and all of a sudden I know exactly what Im suppose to do with this new life. I have no clue. But if I can figure out how to do the chaotic life I was living I can figure out how to do this one Im sure! How hard can it be right!!

The Hedges!!!

I finally figured out why Im so confused by this place. Everything road is surrounded by a hedge and everything is in a circle. I feel like Im in a labyrinth. My head is spinning.

My walk today

This path starts right outside our back door and either leads into the main part of the village or to Wrington Greens (the organic farm I'm volunteering my amazing farming skills to once a week). It's about a mile away from where I live and it's breathtaking!

Ohhh my head

I was suppose to go into Bristol today and meet up with my friend Jorge who is in town from San Francisco. My cramps are keeping me home. I was afraid that would happen. I feel okay at the moment but woke up this morning in so much pain I had to cancel my trip. I will see him on Friday so not going to be sad about it. I will go when I feel up to it and Im not hovering over in pain attempting to find my way around a foreign city with no way home except a 30 minute bus ride and a bus that comes every 2 hours.

So what am I going to do today? I need to do something. Take a walk to Wrington Greens. It’s the organic farm I want to introduce myself to and volunteer at. Buy some decent veggies and some Kale that I miss so much. You cant find Kale anywhere here. At least some is growing in my garden and looks like it should be ready soon.

It’s 8am...all I hear at the moment are ducks, birds, sheep and a light breeze. Kids in the background laughing and playing with the ducks. There are 2 that live at the house I live in. All under the age of 8. Its nice to have the life around me although I thought it would bug me at first.

I keep thinking of ways I can stay in this village. Fantasizing about what it would be like to settle in a village like this one. It’s got so much. Even though it’s small it has an amazing organic farm with a bunch of hippies. I have not done much since I arrived but then again I’ve been jet legged and now I have cramps. I guess it’s my body’s way of stopping me for a second since I probably would not have done it myself. It’s nice to not have a clock ticking over my head although Im not sure how to deal with it. It’s part of what motivates me. I think I might be inherently lazy. I feel like I should be working on a business plan or writing the book I keep threatening to write but Im putting unnecessary pressure on myself. Trying to tell myself just to chill the fuck out and not worry so much. I’ve got no worries except the ones I create for myself in my head.

I think it’s going to be sunny today and mid 60’s. Thank GOD. I need a sunny day. It’s cloudy right now though. And cold but I can feel the sun behind me and it feels good.

I wonder how I will change. What living like this will do to me and how it will change me. Will it slow me down and make me a calm healthy person that does things thoughtfully, slowly, leading with my creative side and my intuition. Or will I go completely insane? I just have to get used to the silence. It’s what I’ve wanted for so long and I like the way I feel right now but at the moment it just makes me tired. I don’t think I know the difference yet between being relaxed and being tired. I just think Im tired all the time. My body does not know relaxation. My adrenal system is completely shot from all the stress I was just under and now all the breaks are on and my mind and body are constantly yelling at me in my head and all I hear is, “WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS AND WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSE TO DO NOW??? WHERE IS OUR DEADLINE? WHAT IS OUR PROJECT? WHO NEEEEEDDDSSS US!!!” I don’t have the answers but Im going to try to be okay not having them, or a plan for my life, or creating a list of things I need to do today and just be okay in my moment.

I think It might be wise to pick up some Echkart Tolle today. I used to get so pissed off at him when I would read The Power of Now or A New Earth (one of my all time favorite books). I would yell at him in my head, “like I could be in my now you jackass! YOU try working in advertising and be in your moment. It’s completely impossible! Im working in constant chaos!!” But it did play a part over the years that eventually inspired me to leave a really unhealthy situation to do what Im doing and have the opportunity to actually be in my moment. A moment I want to be in.

And what moments I am blessed to have today. My beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and I love just as much. Something I have been praying for for so long. Why can’t I just enjoy holding his hand and being with him and looking into his eyes? Because while that is happening my head is ticking like crazy constantly asking me, “what are we going to do NOW!” I see in my head an impatient woman dressed in black smoking a cigarette with her arms tightly crossed and her foot constantly tapping, rolling her eyes and saying, “this is booorrrring!! I know, let’s go out!! Lets go to the pub, let’s smoke a cigarette, let’s eat something, let’s do SOMETHING!!!” The other me that I have been listening to for the last 2 years and it takes everything I have to just mildly quiet her and enjoy Tim’s hand in mine and be okay with just that.

I have everything I have been dreaming of for so long. True equal beautiful love, no job, plenty of money, no stress, living in the English country side with beauty everywhere I look. And I have time. Something I have not had in years. I have time to just be. I don’t want this 6 months to fly by and miss all my moments because my head kept badgering me like a 2 year old pulling on my sleeve wanting constant attention and entertainment, adrenaline and insanity. So...it’s my turn to do some work. Not work outside of myself for someone else but work on me, my head, my heart and feed my soul. It’s why Im here. It’s why I’ve been blessed enough to have this opportunity. So that I can breathe, take in my life and enjoy it rather than run through not thinking about anything and constantly loosing time and moments. It’s time to just be in my moment, know it will pass, know things will change and be okay....comfortable or uncomfortable.

Eckhart here I come. I guess I know what Im doing today and why Im not hovering over in pain in Bristol attempting to getting to the nearest art opening and meeting up with my friend. I have to get used to days that are just for me. Today I am suppose to cherish my time and do something with the moments...or do nothing at all.

Our house and views

The Village I live in

Some Photos from my walk today

Um....this is on a telephone pole. I don't know about you but Im keeping the HELL away from it.

Rain....

Day 5 in England.

Im trying not to keep track of the time although it's hard, it's what Im used to, it's what I've done for the last 18 years. I've been a producer my whole life and it's so hard to just stop. I want to chart out every hour of my day and keep myself to a schedule. In my head my day goes something like this. Just because I have to get it out.....

6am-7:15am: Get up, cook breakfast for Tim and get his lunch ready. Kiss good bye.

7:15 am - 9:00am: Read all my Facebook and email's from everyone in the states and send messages back. Sneak in a cigarette in my garden and feel nervous about it because Im not suppose to be smoking.

9am - 10am: Back to bed. Im exhausted and I have cramps and it's cloudy and raining plus I woke up at 3am so need some more rest. Setting my alarm for 10am.

10am - 11am: Bath (because there is no shower in my flat).

11am - 12noon: Yoga

12noon - 1pm: Go into the village. My goal is to meet the one gay in town and make sure we are friends, by some flowers at his shop and walk home. Hopefully set a date with him and his partner for a dinner party.

1pm - 2pm: Lunch

2pm - 3pm: Figure out my life.

3pm - 4pm: Look for a bigger flat

4pm - 5pm: Find Macrobiotic places in Bristol

Bla bla bla bla blaaaa

Im not sure how to turn it off yet and I guess it might be to much for me to ask to already be there.

Im labeling this blog "A Peaceful Life" because that is why I quit my job at Apple and came out here. It's my goal. Im 39. I am in some sort of a midlife crisis I guess. Not because my boyfriend is 28 (although some might think that goes with the territory) but because I am at the middle of my life if Im lucky enough to make it to 80.

What do I want to do with the next 40 years of my life? The same shit I've done for the last 15 or do something different?

I've always thought I was suppose to make a small difference in this world. I used to think it was my ego wanting to leave it's mark on the planet before I die. I don't think that anymore. Its because I want to feed my own soul and my soul is fed by helping others. It's all I want to do but I don't know how to do it or what to do. I've spent the last 5 years trying to figure it out. I went to Hypnotherapy school and learned guided imagery and guided meditation and did that for a while for groups of people when I lived in LA. Helped people quit smoking (back when I didn't smoke) and get over their anxiety (because I had so much of it myself and needed to learn how to manage it and some how stop my own panic attacks) and just go a little deeper into themselves and find their strength. But that did not feel right so I went to yoga school and became a yoga teacher. That is closer and all of the above probably play a part in what it is that I will do.

My yoga teacher always says, "find your gold. Usually it's a whisper, something you can hardly hear. If you can't hear it listen to those around you, what do they tell you you are good at. Listen to them and you will find what you are suppose to do." If I do that I think it's my cooking. Im a mediocre yoga teacher at best but I know Im a good cook. A good vegan macrobiotic cook.

When I became vegan about 6 years ago I started cooking for the first time in my life and it was really good. Even meat eaters love my cooking and I have been an inspiration for people around me to eat healthier.

So....what do I want to do with all this time off? I want to write, blog, cook, do yoga, get out in this community and immerse myself in it and learn everything I can learn. Travel around Europe and take cooking classes and really do what I came out here to do....after I take my nap! Oh yeah...and attempt to be a good girlfriend.