Another Day

Well....Im still smoking. I had this ridiculous idea that I would not want to smoke if I was not stressed out. NOT the case. I know better, my addictions travel with me. I don’t get to leave my addiction to nicotine at Apple. Though I wanted to blame it for starting again. Also not the case. If Im really here to change my life and use this time as a jumping off place for the next half of my life then I’ve got to stop. Every time I smoke Tim gets this look of fear in his eyes and I know it’s because he is afraid Im going to die. Because people that he has truly loved have died. His Mother and his Grandmother both when he was young. The two women that he depended on and gave his heart too. I need to quit for me but I can feel what it does to him. It reminds me of the feeling I used to have when my Mom used to smoke (before I started). I was so scared she was going to die from smoking...and years later she did. So there....shit...I have to quit. I hate it.

I woke up this morning depressed. I literally have nothing to do today but figure out how to work the washing machine and do our laundry (and quit smoking). And Im sad about this why? I think because for the first time in my life I have no excuses or distractions keeping me away from what I want for my life. I truly have the opportunity to do them now. My girlfriend Laura, who also left her job and is taking time for herself as well said, "it’s like we need to deprogram ourselves." It’s so true and it’s going to take some time. I can’t expect to put on the breaks and all of a sudden I know exactly what Im suppose to do with this new life. I have no clue. But if I can figure out how to do the chaotic life I was living I can figure out how to do this one Im sure! How hard can it be right!!