Ohhh my head

I was suppose to go into Bristol today and meet up with my friend Jorge who is in town from San Francisco. My cramps are keeping me home. I was afraid that would happen. I feel okay at the moment but woke up this morning in so much pain I had to cancel my trip. I will see him on Friday so not going to be sad about it. I will go when I feel up to it and Im not hovering over in pain attempting to find my way around a foreign city with no way home except a 30 minute bus ride and a bus that comes every 2 hours.

So what am I going to do today? I need to do something. Take a walk to Wrington Greens. It’s the organic farm I want to introduce myself to and volunteer at. Buy some decent veggies and some Kale that I miss so much. You cant find Kale anywhere here. At least some is growing in my garden and looks like it should be ready soon.

It’s 8am...all I hear at the moment are ducks, birds, sheep and a light breeze. Kids in the background laughing and playing with the ducks. There are 2 that live at the house I live in. All under the age of 8. Its nice to have the life around me although I thought it would bug me at first.

I keep thinking of ways I can stay in this village. Fantasizing about what it would be like to settle in a village like this one. It’s got so much. Even though it’s small it has an amazing organic farm with a bunch of hippies. I have not done much since I arrived but then again I’ve been jet legged and now I have cramps. I guess it’s my body’s way of stopping me for a second since I probably would not have done it myself. It’s nice to not have a clock ticking over my head although Im not sure how to deal with it. It’s part of what motivates me. I think I might be inherently lazy. I feel like I should be working on a business plan or writing the book I keep threatening to write but Im putting unnecessary pressure on myself. Trying to tell myself just to chill the fuck out and not worry so much. I’ve got no worries except the ones I create for myself in my head.

I think it’s going to be sunny today and mid 60’s. Thank GOD. I need a sunny day. It’s cloudy right now though. And cold but I can feel the sun behind me and it feels good.

I wonder how I will change. What living like this will do to me and how it will change me. Will it slow me down and make me a calm healthy person that does things thoughtfully, slowly, leading with my creative side and my intuition. Or will I go completely insane? I just have to get used to the silence. It’s what I’ve wanted for so long and I like the way I feel right now but at the moment it just makes me tired. I don’t think I know the difference yet between being relaxed and being tired. I just think Im tired all the time. My body does not know relaxation. My adrenal system is completely shot from all the stress I was just under and now all the breaks are on and my mind and body are constantly yelling at me in my head and all I hear is, “WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS AND WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSE TO DO NOW??? WHERE IS OUR DEADLINE? WHAT IS OUR PROJECT? WHO NEEEEEDDDSSS US!!!” I don’t have the answers but Im going to try to be okay not having them, or a plan for my life, or creating a list of things I need to do today and just be okay in my moment.

I think It might be wise to pick up some Echkart Tolle today. I used to get so pissed off at him when I would read The Power of Now or A New Earth (one of my all time favorite books). I would yell at him in my head, “like I could be in my now you jackass! YOU try working in advertising and be in your moment. It’s completely impossible! Im working in constant chaos!!” But it did play a part over the years that eventually inspired me to leave a really unhealthy situation to do what Im doing and have the opportunity to actually be in my moment. A moment I want to be in.

And what moments I am blessed to have today. My beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and I love just as much. Something I have been praying for for so long. Why can’t I just enjoy holding his hand and being with him and looking into his eyes? Because while that is happening my head is ticking like crazy constantly asking me, “what are we going to do NOW!” I see in my head an impatient woman dressed in black smoking a cigarette with her arms tightly crossed and her foot constantly tapping, rolling her eyes and saying, “this is booorrrring!! I know, let’s go out!! Lets go to the pub, let’s smoke a cigarette, let’s eat something, let’s do SOMETHING!!!” The other me that I have been listening to for the last 2 years and it takes everything I have to just mildly quiet her and enjoy Tim’s hand in mine and be okay with just that.

I have everything I have been dreaming of for so long. True equal beautiful love, no job, plenty of money, no stress, living in the English country side with beauty everywhere I look. And I have time. Something I have not had in years. I have time to just be. I don’t want this 6 months to fly by and miss all my moments because my head kept badgering me like a 2 year old pulling on my sleeve wanting constant attention and entertainment, adrenaline and insanity. So...it’s my turn to do some work. Not work outside of myself for someone else but work on me, my head, my heart and feed my soul. It’s why Im here. It’s why I’ve been blessed enough to have this opportunity. So that I can breathe, take in my life and enjoy it rather than run through not thinking about anything and constantly loosing time and moments. It’s time to just be in my moment, know it will pass, know things will change and be okay....comfortable or uncomfortable.

Eckhart here I come. I guess I know what Im doing today and why Im not hovering over in pain in Bristol attempting to getting to the nearest art opening and meeting up with my friend. I have to get used to days that are just for me. Today I am suppose to cherish my time and do something with the moments...or do nothing at all.