Thanksgiving and the end of the blog

Well..it's Thanksgiving today and it SURE does not feel like it. I miss that warm fuzzy feeling I get on Thanksgiving, knowing everyone has the day off work, that we are all traveling to our families house to eat to much food. Im usually just getting off a plane, headed to this great co-op in Minneapolis to pick up some vegan food for myself and then off to embarrass myself in front of my entire meat eating, hunting family with my ridiculous food. So feeling a little sad and alone that Im the only person in this entire country (except the other Americans living here that I do not know of course) that knows it's Thanksgiving and missing my friends and family alot today.

The good news is...I get to spend the entire day today cooking a vegan Thanksgiving. My friends here are so special and are celebrating with me tomorrow night. Tim's sister and her fiance are even going to be here so I get to be with family as well as friends. So in a way..Im sort of being a huge baby. I've been here 5 months and I already have amazing people in my life. So..that is something to be thankful for today. Along with this amazing adventure that I am on, a loving boyfriend and great friends.

Lots to do. Im cooking so much food I want to already kill myself so I should get started.

The end means that Im not going to blog anymore. I have been having a hard time keeping up with it and so think it's time to call it quits and just keep up with you all on an individual basis.

It's been so fun and a great learning for me to do this.

Miss you all and keep in touch!!

You all know my email but just in case..there are two:

beckrich@me.com

hilarybartos@hotmail.com

Love you!

Hilary

Sick

Not much going on over here the last few days. I've been so sick since Saturday. I do remember getting this exact same thing last year and the year before. Maybe it's just my body's way of going from one season to the next. By constantly coughing, loosing my voice, fever and absolutely no energy but yet at the same time feel just well enough to do something until Im mid way through it then want to die. It's been super fun. So..needless to say I've got myself addicted to yet another TV show. This time it's Gossip Girl and I seem to have plowed through all of Season 1 and am debating if I should download season 2. I get so addicted it's all I want to do and it makes my brain absolute mush. So Im going to attempt to resist but last night I did lie in bed while Tim was asleep and watch the first episode of season 2 and cant stop thinking about it. Im getting sweaty palms at the thought of actually downloading it. Addiction?? I think so. I don't think there is a thing on this planet that I can actually NOT get addicted to. It's pretty amazing.

Good news is I looked into the macrobiotic school and have made a decision to go there. Check it out if you feel like it. http://www.macroschool.co.uk/ It's a pretty amazing place and so perfect for me right now. I would start in December and it goes through July. My only concern is that if anything gets messed up with immigration then I can't come back for 6 months. I have a conversation with the school tomorrow so I will see what they can do for me. But I have a good feeling about all of it. Even though we have not heard back from immigration Im going to move forward with my life knowing I can stay here otherwise I think I will go insane. I need to have some sort of a plan. I realize Im not good with out one. Im calling a "plan" now an "intention" so that I don't trap myself or freak if is does not work out. Anyway....I am super excited. This school is beautiful and exactly what I need for myself at this time in my life. I need something to be passionate about again. It scares me when I don't have that.

Okay..going back to my coughing fit.

xox

Purgatory

I realized last night why I’ve been so full of anxiety lately. My anxiety has been so bad lately that the other night I just laid in bed, eye’s wide open and concentrated on my breath while I felt my heart about to fly out of my body and my stomach in such a knot I thought it would never untangle again. I kept thinking to myself why? I have no stress in my life. What is my problem? Why cant I just enjoy my life? Why do I have to make everything so hard on myself? Why do I continue to worry about everything?

Then I had a dream last night and woke up, started to tell Tim about my dream and then it hit me.

My dream was this: I was at this convention with my friend Shayla ( yes you Shayla Miller :) and in the dream we both had the same job but all the spiritual leaders and advisors and wise people at this convention were all surrounding Shayla. They were telling her all these secrets and giving her all this amazing information that I wanted to know and hear but they did not see me. I realized that she was the shinning light I wanted to be, that I used to be, but that Im not anymore. Then, of course, because it’s a dream, we for some reason needed to escape this place and Shayla new the escape route. We had to slide around this huge cliff and make our way up to the top then dive down the cliff. I was following her as she effortlessly moved her body around the cliff’s while I was slipping and scared behind her. We got to the top and she disappeared into the water. I saw that she had dove into the water at a place that was not such a steep jump. I got scared. I saw her feet swimming away then all of a sudden the water dropped and I found myself standing at the top of a cliff that was thousands of feet high and if I dove I would die, and if I stayed I would die. I thought I might be able to dive it because I used to cliff dive as kid and knew how to hit the water. In my head and heart I knew I could make it but I was to scared so I just stayed there and new that I was going to die. Next thing I know I pass out and fall into the water. I remember being unconscious floating in the bottom of the ocean and thinking to myself, “NO!!! I don’t want to give up! I want to live and I want to live the life I intended to live!” Then I woke up.

What I got from it is this: that I have been living in sort of a purgatory since I moved to England. My intentions when I left Apple were to check back in with myself. Check back in with my soul, my spirit, the one that I have been ignoring for about 2 years now except when I have a lame attempt at yoga on occasion and even then it’s become superficial. I think my anxiety attacks that I have been having the last couple of weeks have been about not doing anything that I set out to do when I moved here. Granted, this all takes time. We are all different. I thought I was going to be like that Eat, Prey, Love woman and decide that this is my goal and it’s going to start the second I land in England. Easy.....

What I had not counted on was my extreme homesickness, how much I miss my friends, the effects of living without the energy of the city, the silence, no adrenaline which I was on such a high from for years because of my job, the change and how different it is here and how different the people are here. So...it’s all taken some getting used to and now Im comfortable but I have not let go of my old home yet. And I need to let go to start again. Because I have not been letting go I have been in this sort of purgatory. What do I want to do? Do I want to be here or there? Do I want to go back to the life I know? Make a bunch of money, get a fat flat in London, shop when I want to, eat where I want to? Move to London and recreate my life all over again just like I had in in San Francisco? Tempting for sure but I would end up just like I did in SF after the change of a new city just became normal again. I would get that empty feeling I had before I left SF. It’s what they call in a 12 step program _________. Blank. I can never remember the official name for what I have done my whole life. Move to a new place in hopes that things will change but your just bringing your same ole shit with you rather than deal with your shit where you are. Help me out someone, what is this word? I have a mental block on it since it’s what I’ve one my whole life. Talk about denial! Anyway...that feeling that has been gnawing at my soul for years now that Im suppose to do something different. Im suppose to do something to help people heal. That I know in my heart that Im a healer but to actually do something about that is sacrifice, it’s work, it’s HARD work. it means yoga every day, it means meditation every day. It means staying away from alcohol most days and it means letting go of a life that I love. Not saying I have to let go of it. I love it and it will always be a part of me, but it cant be all of me. Which it’s become. Im sure I can find a happy medium. I know I can. But for me to get out of this purgatory, I’ve got to make a decision and commit to it.

Do I spend the rest of my savings and go to macrobiotic cooking school, be broke for a while, live simply until I can get my business off the ground, which let’s be honest will take at least 2 years. That means staying in England for the next couple of years, staying where we are (but moving to a bigger flat) as Tim will need to support us and his work is taking off here. And committing to yoga every day, eating right, becoming a vegan again, getting in touch with my soul again. That is the hard part. But it’s also when I have been the happiest. It’s different than the instant gratification fixes I get from my crazed life. It’s sustainable and it’s where I like to be.

So...I need to sit on a few things but I think my mind is made up. I keep saying that this whole immigration thing is hindering me from making a decision but it’s me who is holding me back (as always).

And why not try something new? If all goes to shit I can always go back to my 9-5 job and get a great one at that. Even if I am away from it for a while. More than anything it’s letting go of moving back go San Francisco in the immediate future. But I can visit anytime I want and who knows..once Im a great macro chef and into my yoga we can move to SF and I can start my career there.

So....that is that. And thanks Shayla for always being that bright shinning spirit walking on this planet. You were a good guide for me in my dream last night and it made me totally miss you!!

London

I was in London this weekend visiting my friend Lauren and got home pretty convinced we needed to move to London. I love that city! Lauren brought me to Portobello Road where there are thousands of vendors set up on Sautrdays and the streets are like New York they are so packed, we went to Notting Hill and bought little food stuff in cute jars for too much money, we went to Camden and ate outside infront of the water and sat on scooters (see pic ;) and then Harriet took us to Liam Gallagher's launch party for his new clothing line. That was pretty ridiculous and you know I loved it. Then we ended the weekend all at Harriet's with our other friend Kate drinking Prosecco and smoking cigarettes. Loved it loved it loved it!!

I sat in that little circle of girls, the four of us, all talking at once and laughing and just adoring one another and realized that I am dying without my girlfriends around me. There is something so important about having my girlfriends around me. They give me life and energy and love and support and keep my head on straight. I honestly think its one of the reasons that I've been going a little mad since I moved here. That and what I have mentioned before..I need the energy of lots of people around me, the energy of a city and my friends at arms length otherwise I start to go a little batty.

Anyway....

Tim picked me up at the bus station and I had my whole plan about moving to London. How I could go back to corporate work and make enough money for us both to live in London and ya da ya de ya.... He figured that I had conjured up a new game plan and was all ears and always open and patient with me...as usual. Good LORD I love this man I really do. He said he is willing to move there, he's basically willing to move anywhere. He's like me like that and always up for an adventure.

Then I got home, settled down and Tim and I got up the next morning and took a walk in our village. The mist was rolling over the hills, the birds, the cows and sheep, the ducks and colors of autumn all around us and the beauty of living in a small village and I realize I love it here too. I also love Tim so so much. I know we can be anywhere and be happy. I also realize that I think we will be. I don't think either of us is ready to settle down anytime soon. Maybe we will move to Bristol next and I will go to macrobiotic school, maybe I'll get a fab job in London and we will move there, or maybe we will stay in a small village. I don't know yet. I do know that something will change soon though. Immigration has had our paper work for 7 weeks now and so hopefully we will hear back from them soon.

As you all know by know Tim and I are engaged. Got to love Facebook for that one. He was super sweet and romantic. He got down on both knees and asked me to marry him. He had my ring in his Grandmother's old wedding ring box. So it's official...were getting married. Regardless of what immigration says in the next couple of weeks we will find a way!

And the holidays are coming and I can't wait to come home! Just 7 weeks away!!

The No Plan Plan MAN

Im starting to figure some things out. Mostly what I don’t want but it’s a start. Here is my list so far:

What I don’t want

To run a cafe

To work in the restaurant business

To cook for large groups of people

To be a full time yoga teacher

What stresses me out

Not having a plan

Not having money

What I do want

A baby if I can have one. Otherwise lots of dogs and cats and bunnies

A loving husband and healthy relationship (check)

My friends around me

Time

A big flat

To live in a city (still on the fence with that one but I really miss living in a city)

To cook for small amounts of people, maybe just my friends and family or maybe personal chef???

To teach yoga once a week..I miss teaching alot

What I have realized

As much as I love San Francisco Im not ready to go back yet. There is still so much to do and see and experience here.

That I probably will want to move back to SF some day..like in a year and realize that it will be there for me as will my friends

That going back to corporate is not off the plate and to keep an open mind

That going to cooking school and taking the next year to be in England might be a good plan

So.....what does all this mean? I have no clue. We spent the weekend with our friends Steve and Rachel. Steve is sort of in the same place as I am and he said, “well...at least your figuring out what you don’t want to do.” And I thought right...that is so true. He’s this huge marketing wiz and left his job about a year ago. He and I started talking about marketing and advertising and I started telling him about the localization on iPhone and I got all this energy as I was talking about it. I was telling him about this job that I saw in London to project manage localization for Trip Advisor and I was getting all this energy just thinking about it. I got home and realized, shit...I hope I did not come all this way, take this time off only to realize that I really like the corporate life. Ahh well..If that is the case then so be it. I just had a fantasy I was a little more creative than that but maybe Im just not. My friend Alan, who used to sit next to me at Apple used to joke about all of us. “We all think were so creative but really were just as business and corporate as everyone else in corporate america, we just like to think were different because we work in advertising.....but were not.” I just looked at him and said, “shit Alan, your right.”

Im also realizing that my mind and my thoughts dictate my reality. I have read this a GA ZILLION times but I am really getting it now. When I do not stress Im loving my life here. When I stress I see the worst in it. I look back at my job at Apple. Which don’t get me wrong, I could never go back to that sort of stress, but honestly, most of it was me just freaking out so much, had I not been such a freak I might have not been full of so much anxiety when I was there. Either way I had to leave but now that Im away from it I am realizing that maybe the corporate life is for me, just not working so many hours or taking it so seriously. If I could look at it different maybe I would be okay in it? Who knows. That is not my answer yet either. Freelancing would be perfect for me honestly. Dip my little toe in a project for a few months then take time off. That is ideal. So...we will see. Still taking the next couple of months off and not making any major decisions about anything. I just like to talk through what is on my mind. It may very well change tomorrow.

We had a great weekend. We were in Malvern England this weekend. Steve and Rachel just moved there for Rachel’s job. This town is amazing. It is where they film some of Harry Potter (see attached building. In there is the great hall where they all eat...for all you Harry Potter geeks - yes Im including myself in that category) and it also inspired C.S Lewis when writing Narnia. It’s seriously a magical place. You can feel it when you drive into it. Not only is is breathtaking it just carries a certain energy about it that you can feel. Magic and mystery and history. I loved it. They cooked us a great Halloween dinner and we carved pumpkins. They took us all on a hike the next day. When we got to the top of the mountain (Steve was calling it a hill but it was a flipping mountain) it was so windy you could lean into the wind. It was stormy and cloudy and in full autumn and it was amazing. We then of course headed to the pub for our reward of a pint and some crap pub food.

So...life is not so bad. Im starting to let go and enjoy myself here. Im not sure about much else. Im not sure if I should go to cooking school or not. Not sure if that is just me reaching or if Im really that interested. It might be a great way for me prolong not working and give me a great project and a great gift for life. Time will tell and I can feel a plan beginning to formulate....phew....AND...we get to go home in 1.5 months!!! I cant wait! I think that is helping me too and the fact that my hormones are getting back on track. It’s taken a long time to recover. It’s pretty amazing really. I could go into that but wont as this is already to long. Maybe next time ;) Ohhh that anticipation.

Okay...so the internet keeps kicking me off...ahhh..the pleasures of living in a village. So I can't post my pics. Will do later when I can stay connected for more than 5 seconds.....eeerrrggg...

The Chip Butty

I seem to be finally getting a life here. Or choosing to enjoy the life that I have rather than compare it to my life in San Francisco and then choose to not be happy because Im homesick.

I love my life here. It's amazing. I just went through a big wave of homesickness and sadness and I have to remember that will come and go. Anyway.... choosing to not get to deep and whiney and get you caught up on what I've been up too the last few days.

For one, I've weened myself off of Dexter. I am on Season 3, episode 6 so it took a while...but I finally did it.

On Friday nights our friends Vicki and Ben invite us to the Social Club in a village near by called Blagdon where they live. It's a place where all parents can bring their children to the pub on a Friday night from 6-8, drink pints for 2 pounds, and eat English fare (Ben and Vicki have 2 super cute little girls, 7 months and 2 years old). Last Friday I learned about these things called Chip Buttys (see attached). This consists of what we in America call French Fries jammed in between two pieces of white bread with some Ketchup or some Brown sauce. My friend Vicki calls this Britain on a plate and the brown sauce Britain in a bottle. Tim ordered it like it was a totally normal thing to do and when the plate of food arrived I looked at him and was like, "what in the hell is that?? It's just chips and white bread!" He was like, "yeah?" and then everyone at the table could not believe I did not know what this was like I was the crazy :). I tasted it and it was weird. Who knows..I thought beans on toast was completely repulsive when I first moved here and now I crave it. Anyway...the place is absolute chaos. Babies and kids up to about the age of 7 running around the pub like bananas while their parents casually socialize and bounce babies on their knees while drinking large pints of beer. Im pretty in love with this place and seems we have a new ritual on a Friday night. They have these great friends who are both cops. Tanya is a detective (just like Dexter's sister ;) and her husband Mark is on the team that busts graffiti artists. He knows every graffiti artist in England. I have not spoken to him much about his line of work and am DYING to but I have to ease my way into it as I guess he does not like to talk to much about it. His wife Tanya tells us about the cases she is working on. I love it. Oh..and for the record...I love graffiti art so hopefully he just busts the gang taggers but I will find out and get back to you.

I am so greatful to my friend Vicki. She's seriously saving my life out here. Always inviting me to things and introducing me to her friends and Tim and I are getting a nice social life. Tonight Tim and I are going over to their house and I am cooking them and our other new friends Steve and Rachel (who are Ben and Vicki's best friends) a Vegan dinner. I have these paraniod visions that Tim and I are this nightmare couple who want to be their new best friends and totally overstep our boundries and want to be with them all the time. So I try to be cool around them but really I want to kiss them all the time and tell them how much I love them for giving me a life here. Anyway...staying cool ;)

I've also included some other pic's. My favorite picture that Tim drew, a picture of a storm coming in over the Cafe the other day, a 15 pound bowl of crab apples that I made crab apple jelly out of (sort of unsuccessfully but it tastes good, it's just having a hard time acting like the jelly it's suppose to be and acting more like syrup) and a shot of our front yard with the apples falling off the tree near the small bridge.

AND lastly..Tim and I went to our first Kundalini yoga class last night in Bristol. Got to say..NOT the best class in the world and it's held in a cub scout lodge with bright lights in a basement by a guy who's website is called The Sleeping Serpent (gag). BUT....all that aside, it was a nice class and the only one it a 200 mile radius so Im not going to complain. It was just nice to take a class, he was not smarmy like I thought he would be and we will go back. Might even inspire me to be courageous enough to start my own class in Wrington. We shall see......

The Spa fixes everything

Tim came home early from work yesterday to fix my mini melt down. I was having a full on anxiety attack at that point. My mind had gotten the best of me all day as I freaked out about living in a small village and feeling trapped and..bla bla bla..you have heard it all before...like yesterday. So to make me feel better, he brought me here (see attached).

It's amazing, this place. The spa is in Bath, where the Roman Baths were. The city was founded in 50 BC by the Romans based on the healing mineral springs and opened up a bunch of public baths back then. So as your sitting outside (at twilight :) in the mineral springs, the same mineral springs that the Romans used back then, you get to look at this ancient city, outside, and float around in the water, or use the steam rooms or the indoor pool. There is a cafe there and you go in your bathrobes and towels. So we did....and ate a nice dinner (with a bunch of other people in bathrobes...it was super weird but I liked it) and of course I had a large glass of red wine to even further chill me out.

Anyway..I realized once again what a bore of a baby I am. I mean seriously. Im having an amazing adventure here and I forget it all the time and focus on the bad rather than the good.

The country side is truly amazing right now. The autumn is here and the leaves are changing to these bright red's and oranges (I'll take some pics and post them) and I have a beautiful life and an amazing beautiful man.

Life without drama is boring

I seriously have not a whole lot to say. Maybe that is why my postings have gone down. Then again maybe Im over thinking what I post. I guess I don't want my blog to turn into the Hilary's home sick blog, Hilary misses America blog, Im feeling alienated today blog, Im sad today blog. Bla bla whaa bla..... Then again maybe I should just write it and not worry so much.

I guess I should not be so hard on myself. I mean, it's inevitable that Im going to go through alot of emotions moving away from the only country I have ever lived in, the greatest friends and moving from a metropolitan city to a small village.

Right now Im going through the comparing England to America stage. We went out for Pizza last night because I have been craving it for so long and it just sucked. Like most of the food here does unless you love meat and starch. My upbringing in Minnesota actually did get me prepared for the English diet then 10 years of California ruined it all. Either way..why the English can't make a decent Pizza is beyond me. San Francisco can make a great Pizza and they are alot further from Italy. Anyway...I do love England. I did the same thing when I moved from LA and when I moved from Minnesota then a year later I fall in love with where ever I moved.

I just like to torture myself maybe??? Tim says I like to complain. I tell him that may be so but it's for the pure lack of any drama in my life. I need to complain about something since I have no gossip or drama. Because in the end...being in love in a healthy relationship is boring. No boy drama, I have no work drama, no drama in my small village, no drama with any of my new friends or any gossip for that matter, everything is just honkey fucking dorry. Whooo hooo...yawn.

So now I feel boring and bored. I mean..isn't this the place I've been striving to get to for so long? So much for "The Peaceful Life". I've got it and Im bored to tears. Does this make me boring? What is that old saying? Only boring people get bored. EEK. Am I boring? I would really hate to admit to that. The thing is there is so much I could do. I just need to do it. Take a sewing class, get into my hobbies, shit....write my book (if I knew what to write), do yoga. This is the ideal time to have a baby honestly. Then again maybe that is why people want babies. Because they are bored. Im bored and now I want a baby. That should fill up some time. Then it makes me question if I really want a baby or am I just bored? Or am I in this place because it's time for me to have a baby and that is why the universe has brought me here, to this place, at this time. There is a reason Im here. I know that. I have no clue what it is. Maybe just to save myself a heart attack from being overworked and to much stress? Or maybe Im suppose to marry Tim and have a baby and live in a small village? Who the FUCK knows. And Im exhausted of the tricks my mind plays on me. A constant tug of war. I never know what is right anyway. I can have a plan but that does not make it the right plan so I can never commit to a plan because then that means I get stuck thinking I need to follow through with it and things change constantly so what is the point of even having a plan? Try to stick to something that does not stick anymore? I guess that's what Buddhism is all about. Flow with the river and all that. Just let go. Be lead by life. I've read all 2000 books and have had amazing awakenings on a spiritual level and I still can't let go. So I guess this is just who I am. And today Im homesick, bored and am in desperate need for some drama. I guess I should take my own advice. It's okay to be uncomfortable. And today that is what I am.

Dexter

I almost made it out of the house today. Instead it started to rain so I stayed in my bathrobe again and am now on Season 3 of Dexter and I can't stop. Im fully addicted. Im loosing any ability to do anything but watch this show. Im not creative, I don't get out of my bathrobe, I dream about Dexter, I dream that the cast are my friends, I don't want to write in my blog or clean my house or myself. The only reason Im even doing the dishes and writing in my blog is to just say that I actually did something other than watch Dexter today. So..there. Done. Did it. Hi ya all. Once this fing season ends I will be able to get my life back.

I was reading a friends blog who lives in LA yesterday. He's a rock photographer and his girlfriend is an art director for David Lachapelle among others. They look like they have a fab life. Photo's and video's posted of the things they are doing and all the art they are creating and it made me jealous and also wondering what I am doing with my life. What art am I creating? Am I doing what Im passionate about? What is that? Is this the best place for me to be fed creativity? I guess there is that whole saying about "compare and despair" as you never know the thoughts in someone else's head or how it works or what they are thinking or what their life is really like. It's just a fantasy that you have about their life as you see it from the outside. Someone might look at my life and think it's amazing to live in England. Look at pictures of Tim and I and see our love and think WOW..how amazing that she lives in England and is in love. So...I have to remember that.

So what am I doing today to make the best use of my time here? Well..yesterday I sat and watch back to back episodes of Dexter and ate popcorn in my robe all day. Tempted to do the same today but Im going to go for a bike ride instead and do something creative. Be inspired by my friends rather than jealous. Maybe I'll walk and take pictures and then paint later or knit. Cook and move around the routine. I think that is what gets me every day. Doing the same ole same ole. So..going to mix it up a bit and gain a new perspective on my life. Look at my life like an outsider would and be grateful for this amazing life that Im living. All the experiences I've had and continue to have and once again just be in my body and life and enjoy it.

Moving

I never know how to begin....hummm....we saw UP yesterday. Another movie that once again reminded me to live in my moment because life goes so fast and I don't want to end up wondering why I worried so much, or wasted so much time trying to change what is and just be in my life, embrace every movement, every minute and everything I do. It's the most difficult job for me and also such a crime to miss out on my life the way I do. With the amount of stress I put on myself and then realize the day is gone and I missed most of it.

If Im not in my moment, which is almost never, Im constantly thinking about what needs to happen next, tweak the moment that Im in, think about what needs to happen in the future and what has happened in the past. I relate this all somehow to the moment that I am in and the result is never being content or happy with the life Im leading, which, by the way, is amazing and all I have wanted for years. To be out of my crazy job, to be in love, really in love, and to have time.

I realize whenever I move I do the same thing. When I Moved from LA to San Francisco I HATED SF. For almost two years I hated it. All I wanted to do was move back to LA, which, by the way I hated by the time I left. I wanted to get out of the 365 days of summer, I wanted to get out of the dirt, the traffic and move to a beautiful city that was clean and where I did not have to drive. When I finally let go of LA I fell in love with San Francisco. But it was not easy. It was so hard to let go of my friends there, the amazing parts of LA that I loved, the craziness and insanity of it and the people that live there. I thought I would NEVER be able to make friends like the friends I had in LA. And after I let go of LA I met the most amazing people in San Francisco. Same thing happened when I left Minnesota. My group of friends there was amazing. So now...Im here...not loving the small village, the fact that I have no friends and I will never make the type of friends here that I have in SF and bla bla bla....my GOD how I let history repeat itself. Im amazed I move around as much as I do when Im so reluctant to change really. I want the change, Im so desperate for it and then I get it and I hate it and want to go back. I swear I cant stand myself sometimes :) Im exhausting.

So anyway...my point for GOD SAKE...is that it's the fact that I am never in my moment. If I were I would stop thinking about what this village and England isn't, and focus on what it is. Especially now that it's Fall. It's October, my favorite month of the year. The leaves are changing, it's getting colder, the birds are chirping, the sky is clear today and Im completely in love. I love my days. I just need to relax and shut down the mind. Meditate more and stick to my yoga.

We got up this morning to do yoga and meditate and it felt so good. Of course my meditation consisted of planning our trip to Bristol next weekend to go to H&M to get me leggings and a cute raincoat......practice ;)

The mind is amazing really. It can do all this thinking in the blink of an eye. Faster than the speed of light. It's a difficult beast to tame.

Missing the City

I miss the city. I really do. I wonder how I will do here for an extended period of time. Today Im not so sure I can make it in a small village. As long as I don't look at it like we are going to be here forever than Im okay. I can do it for a year but not sure if this is the life that I want. I like my social life, I like to have all my friends around me, I like to have the option of drinks or dinner with friends any night of the week. I miss the convenience of it and I miss San Francisco. I also miss the energy from a city and the energy that it gives me. Lights and night and tall buildings smashed together. Loads of people walking around the streets morning and evening. Just being able to get in the car and go to the ocean or the mountains.

Makes me think that Tim and I need to get out more! We do but there is also a lot to see here too. Ireland, Scotland, lot's of things right next door. Just need to plan them out. So...I guess not quite done with it here but honestly...Im not so sure Im cut out for small village living. I need the energy of the city to feed me and I need my friends around me. Anyway...3 months in..I think Im just really homesick. Im on an adventure right? This is always my problem, I think that were ever I am that is it. This is how it's going to be forever and then I feel trapped and get scared and want to get out. So..taking it easy, breathing, enjoying this experience as I DO KNOW that it will not last forever and love being here, in the beauty of this village and the life I have here and know that it's amazing in this moment.

The other thing is that I miss my girlfriends so much....because of my recent trauma even more. Going over to one of their houses, sitting on a couch in my pajamas and crying or talking or whatever. I do have some great friends here already so that is the good news. My friends Vicki and Ben and Steve and Rachel are amazing. We had a dinner party the other night and Steve was talking about my blog and Tim said, "oh, well then I guess you know about the miscarriage." And Steve just took my hand and said, "no, I have not got that far, are you okay, my God Im so sorry," and we all got to talk about it. And they are amazing. They are totally my people. So open and non judgmental and so fun and at the same time so loving and I feel really lucky to have met them so soon. Although now two of the 4 that I have made might be moving to Hong Kong so that sucks for me. Good for them though.

Anyway...maybe if I loved the home I was in. Once all the paper work is good to go with immigration and we know we can stay for a while we are going to move into a bigger place with some more character. Once that happens that will help too. I need to love the place I live in. Im a cancer....as social as I am I also love to hibernate in my home and create projects for myself. All and all just unsettled, homesick and it's cold and grey here today so whaaaa....being a big baby really.

Okay..got to run. Just wanted to complain about how horrible my amazing life is.

Time

Time..it can be an angel or a devil depending on your mind set.

I guess it will take some time for me to slow down. I just realized how fast I was going this afternoon for no reason. I wake up to a tight stomach and the heavy burden that there is something, a million things that I must be doing right now and they all need to happen right now.

I guess it’s years of production and not slowing down and now...I have no idea how to. Im beginning to think it’s a part of my genetic make up. Yesterday I was in bed writing most of the morning, got up, dyed my hair and started on dinner. So really I did not do much of anything but the entire day that FEELING..that tightness in my stomach was there, getting tighter and tighter so I just forced myself to relax, to say in bed, to write and to just lye there and feel it. It didn’t go away. I woke up with it again today and started working on the list of things in my head that I need to accomplish by the days end.

Then, as I was reading my macrobiotic cook books and making yummy macrobiotic vegan cornbread at the speed of light, I realized what is my rush? Why not breathe with every movement, go as slow as I can, relish everything Im putting into this cornbread, think about each ingredient, where it came from, what it will do to my body and Tim’s body when we eat it and put some calm and some love into this cornbread. And it’s working. I look at that cornbread on the counter cooling and it relaxes me. I ate a piece and it calmed my nerves. Which then reminded me that if you love whatever it is your doing and put love into it, it will be amazing and with food, it can be healing and healing to others.

I was watching this cooking show a while back. It was a show with this woman and her husband. They were from the south and were cooking everything I would NEVER. Eggs, buttermilk, more butter and than heavy cream with bacon and lard and bacon grease on top of biscuits and they were laughing, telling stories, loving one another while they were cooking it and I thought, I bet who ever eats that food is going to be IN LOVE by the time they finish. For me it’s macrobiotics but it can be anything, any food that you enjoy or it can be a job or a scarf your knitting for someone or whatever. If we do it with love, if we give ourselves time to think about it and enjoy it, we could heal the planet. If all that we consumed had the energy of calm, of serenity and of love...we would feel it. Anyway..off on a new age tangent.

But I was reminded of a few of things.

• I have been cooking macro / vegan full on for 2 days now and I already am starting to feel more grounded and forgot how much I truly LOVE to cook in this way so really need to make the macrobiotic school happen in December

• That I may just be a nervous person and as much as I try to fight it the worse it gets. Not sure how I can heal myself from that but Im going to try. Yoga, meditation and moving to small village in England is a start.
• Coffee is bad for me
• Do things slow and with thought and rushing is a waste of time.
• Embrace where I am, where my body is, love myself in this moment and stop trying to constantly tweak myself into this person I think Im suppose to be. I think Im suppose to be all macro and healed and healing the planet and calm and serene. I already am who Im suppose to be and doing exactly what Im suppose do be doing right now.

• Cherish where Im at right now as it will change.

• I dont need to give myself a project. I can just be for once.

So anyway...I’ve got the afternoon to do nothing. Im going to take a nap, eat some lunch, food shop on line and read my books. Attempt to enjoy it all on this grey English day and take it easy on myself.

A longie

There are bugs everywhere in this flat. I refuse to kill any of them as I wont even kill an ant but will let them gently out of the house if they are big and scare me. In every corner of this place there is a spider about to feed on what to him is a delicious meal,or a moth stuck to the side of a lamp curtain just waiting for me to turn the light on like a dog waiting for you to throw a bone. To me, killing a bug is like killing a cow, and killing a cow is the same as killing anything else so I just don’t kill anything. Unless of course, it’s by absolute mistake. Like when I suck up dead bugs with my hoover and accidently a live fly gets slaughtered in the process. I seriously want to open up the bag and let him out. I guess if I accidently sucked up a cow or cat into a hoover bag I might be inclined to let them out..so...there is a food chain in my mad process but still...I just try not to kill anything. Thus, loads of bugs in my house at the moment. Evidently all trying to survive the English autumn by taking refuge in our flat. I like to think of us as a “safe house” for all bugs. Any race, color or creed. All RIGHT then...enough of that before you think I’ve all lost my mind living in this small village.

So..I’ve been debating weather or not to write about this as it’s pretty personal but then again my blog is pretty personal and big part of the reason I write this blog is so that I do not internalize my thoughts and emotions and feelings like I tend to do. It’s an exercise for me in not worrying about what anyone else thinks, what is right or wrong and to just write. Thinking that this blog is meant for another purpose as it already has proven. It went from keeping in touch with my friends and telling my journeys to what it is today. It has opened me up even more than I already was and keeping me honest with my likes and dislikes, weaknesses and strengths, and most of all teaching me I truly don’t understand why myself or anyone cares if they are right or wrong? Seems like such a waste of time. Or to even care what anyone does with their lives. We are all just a witness to this life anyway so why not just be full of love and support and stay open rather than closed. Support rather than judge. Either way its a place for me to say fuck it. Who cares what I am like? Im sick of keeping it all in to make myself comfortable. Of doing the “right” thing, of not speaking my truth all the time and of just not being 100% myself. All of which I’ve had a problem with in the past and all of which Im so tired of. Im exhausted of the filter that I have always put on my mouth, which then leads to a filter on my mind and all of a sudden Im closed minded and think that if someone does not believe what I do, think like I do, behave like I behave then I need to what? Tell them how to do it? Not be their friend? Why? Because Im scared and close minded? Scared I might be wrong? Or doing life wrong? So..this is what my blog has morfed into. Me keeping myself honest and open and fearless. Even though it’s scary, its something Im walking through and trying to be fearless with. I once read, in one of my countless self help / spiritual / eastern philosophy books, “the more I learn I realize I know nothing.” I read that years ago and thought, “well then why in the hell am I reading this? I want to know SOMETHING!!” And now finally, years later understand the true freedom in realizing I know absolutely nothing, Im right about nothing and my views on life are strictly my own and would never preach them to anyone because Im sure they are not right. It’s absolute relief and absolute freedom to know that. I get to stay open and have no opinions on others lives and so I can enjoy everyone and all views on life without judgment. It’s so much for fun this way although alot more confusing and scary times....

So to the thing I was debating writing about and instead have been stalling and babbling....

I had a miscarriage on Friday. I only KNEW I was pregnant for about 2-3 days but was probably pregnant for about 2 weeks. It’s strange. In my head when I think about it my brain says abortion rather than miscarriage. I wonder why? Part of me thinks it might be my fault? I was wearing the nicotine patch every day, I was drinking wine, not to excess but was drinking, I drank coffee every morning. So did I abort my baby? Then I think well fuck that, Courtney Love shot heroin throughout her entire pregnancy and her kid is just fine, I know lots of women who drink and smoke through their entire pregnancy and they have healthy babies. Just look at the 70’s. Our Mothers were popping pills and smoking and breast feeding. Not saying I would do ANY of that but just saying that maybe....I did not kill my baby. On the day I really KNEW I was pregnant It hit me and there was just this intuitive feeling that I knew I was pregnant. Besides all the other signs, like my boobs were huge and sore, I was bloated like I’ve never been, I was tired, my brain was not working right, and I found myself for the last week every day at about 2pm standing over a cake counter in broad daylight devouring a large piece of non vegan chocolate cake like I had not eaten in a month. So the signs were there but it takes while for your brain to register. I kept thinking, “Im just off because Im not a vegan anymore, because I moved 3 months ago and left my friends, my financial security, my country and moved to a small village where I know absolutely no one except for my boyfriend who I have only known for 7 months.” So I was bound to be stressed out and my body was just reacting to the stress of change. I have never, in my 22 years of being sexually active, ever been pregnant so had no idea what it felt like.

I woke up on Friday and was spotting and decided I better take a pregnancy test just to confirm what I already knew. I got up, biked to the pharmacy and took the test. Which said not pregnant. Then my spotting turned into full on bleeding and within about 3 hours I had my miscarriage. I don’t need to go into the details but I knew what it was. Mostly because the second that it happened I started sobbing uncontrollably. Like I knew I had lost something. I can’t really compare it to when my Mom died but it was the same type of feeling. When I got the phone call that she was on life support but not dead yet, I knew she was dead and the sobbing leapt out of my body before I even had time to feel it. It was just a knowing. This was the same thing.

So I know I was only pregnant for 2 weeks but it’s traumatic. The entire time I was pregnant I kept thinking about our baby, about being a Mother, about having a family, about how much I wanted it and how I have never wanted it in my life but for some reason lately, since I met Tim really, I have wanted a baby. That I have been looking for this thing that is missing and it’s our baby. I guess I always knew when I met “the one” that I would want a baby but I would not want one a minute before then. And I didn’t, and now I do. But it’s strange. Now that Im not pregnant anymore Im okay if we do not have a baby. That feeling of wanting a baby has faded a bit. We both want a baby. Now might not be the right time because we have so much to sort out and still have not heard from immigration yet so who knows where we will be in a few months AND (deep breath) our entire lives are up in the air and let’s just top it all off with the fact that I have no health insurance and am pretty sure the NHS is not going to support my entire pregnancy without ever paying into it or being legal in this country. I know..stupid. Ya all can tell me how stupid I am for not keeping my health insurance going in the states but it’s over 500 American dollars a month and me, who does not believe in western medicine ANYWAY (except of course when I need it when Im pregnant ;) decided not to have it since I don’t have a whole shit ton of expendable income at the moment so decided to cancel it.

SO.....the good news is, I can get pregnant, which I was starting to think I was not capable of since I’ve never had ONE pregnancy in all my years (and believe me...I was not the most careful girl on the block, especially in my 20’s). The bad news is that Im scared that I cant carry a baby and that if I do get pregnant again I will have another miscarriage.

Im trying to not let my mind get to me. To know that if we get pregnant again it will be the right time. To know that there is never a “right” time to do anything and things happen how they happen weather or not I plan them. I also know that we are both okay if we can’t have a baby. Tim and I talked about it and he just held me and told me he loves me, he wants me regardless of what my body can or can not do, and if we don’t have a baby we will just have lots of pets and will deal with life how it comes. Reason number 101 why he is “the one”.

So Im fine. Tim is fine. It’s pretty crazy what your body does so quickly when you do get pregnant and it also feels good to have my old body and mind back for the moment. Believe me I would trade it in a second if I was still pregnant though. It felt really good being pregnant as confusing as it was. I felt whole, I felt like a woman, It’s hard to explain but if your reading this and you have been pregnant before you know what I mean. It’s an amazing feeling. One I hope to feel again soon. Maybe not too soon though. If we can plan it at all, it would be nice to have all the “what ifs” in check and some health insurance handy. It also makes me realize that you don’t have to PLAN to have a baby. I always thought everything needed to be in the perfect order and it doesn’t. And I don’t want to be one of those Mommy’s anyway. I want to be a hippy Mommy. Take my kid on my back across Europe, live unconventionally, home school (KIDDING), but you know what Im saying. I want to live an abnormal life. I realize I have most of my life anyway but now I’ve finally embraced and accepted it. I dont need to have a 6 figure income to have a baby, or the right house or the right car, or the right anything. And what is right anyway? I don’t believe in right or wrong anymore anyway...right?

A quickie

Im attaching this picture that Tim took with photo booth. I woke up yesterday morning and found it on my desktop and just love it. It's taken from our living room which he has made to look like a fairy tale.

Loads to tell but have to run. Were going out of town this weekend to his parents house in Bishops Waltham which, by the way, I have difficultly pronouncing. Sounds much better with and English accent. My American accent butchers it into sounding like some hick town in the south. Im looking forward to it. I really like his family and love his sister Rachel who Im getting close with. She's another Cancer like me and so has broken in Tim quite well on how to deal with us sensitive creatures. Anyway...must run...

Relationships

Dear God I have no idea what is wrong with me. Tim is driving me crazy. He can’t do anything right. I want him to be something he is not yet even if he was that something I would find fault in that. And why? Why does this insanity happen? I swear it’s this 6-7 month mark that I have always had such a hard time moving through. Or maybe it’s something else? Maybe it’s quitting smoking? I’ve been craving a cigarette lately like you can not believe. Im still using the patches. Maybe my body chemistry is fucked up. Why then do I take it out on the person closest to me? Tim is the only person driving me crazy at the moment. Why? Is it because our partners are direct reflections of us? I read this over and over in all the “self help” relationship books but I don’t know if I believe that honestly. I feel like I think so totally different than Tim. Im inherently methodical. It works in my brain faster than the speed of light. I see something, anything, any situation or thing that needs to get done and understand immediately, without thought, exactly the order in which it’s suppose to happen and how that order will make everyone around it and in it completely comfortable and peaceful.

Just that statement alone has absolute beauty in it and a recipe for complete disaster. The thing is, I believe all women have this trait and probably why we prefer to hang out with our own tribe most occasions. Then sometimes why we drive each other mad and prefer to just have men around so there is not a bunch of control freaks in the room dictating how dinner should be served or where the furniture should go. I guess that’s where the “one woman in the kitchen” statement comes from (not saying we are all in the kitchen...I just like to use the analogy because I like to be in the kitchen). Anyway...it makes it hard for me to understand then, why the men in our lives do everything the exact opposite and completely backwards way from us? And so we, meaning me, as Im not going to put all my ladies in my insane category, get frustrated because I cant then, understand why all the men in my life, Tim being my most recent victim, does not do it the way I would. It is why I love hanging out with my girlfriends. No thought is involved. It’s just a natural flow. So I guess that is it. I have not had to move through this in a really long time. I’ve been alone for over 3 years and that’s the easy part about being alone. You only have yourself to deal with. The hard part is you then only have yourself to blame, which then, has constantly sent me into a world of therapy, self obsession, and self help books constantly trying to heal this obsessive, controlling mind I have but then I realize, being in a relationship, no matter how much “work” I’ve done on myself, they just pop up again and are magnified regardless of all the knowledge I have. I have not put it into practice with anyone in a really long time. And lets be honest, I have not had much success in the past anyway.

Yesterday I was watching this older couple. This sweet cute old man had ordered a scone with cream and jam. I watched him, very pleased, carry his scone back to the table where he and his wife were sitting. I was smiling as I watched him sit down and then I looked at his wife who had this look of complete annoyance and anger on her face. She barked, “why on EARTH did you order a scone with CREAM!!! Where is your butter???!!” And he replied with calmness but a hint of anger and frustration, “it’s just how they serve it here.” He put his head down to eat his scone no longer with excitement but in silence and not about to enjoy it half as much as he would have about 5 seconds earlier before his wife gave him shit about the cream. I thought to myself, “I will NEVER be like that woman!!”

WELL....I am. This morning, totally annoyed with Tim because he put his wet cold hand on my forehead because he thought I was hot and thought it might feel nice to have a wet cold hand on my forehead. That made complete sense to him. If he were hot he would want a wet cold hand on his forehead but to me I got angry because I hate it when there is anything wet on me when Im dry and I have been waking up Mrs. Crabby Panties every morning for the last week for no apparent reason other than my body chemistry is a bit off so I take it out on Tim. The one I love the most. And there I was..the old lady in the cafe.

I guess being in a relationship is a great and easy way for me not to look at myself and my own shit but focus on someone else's shit so I dont have to be wrong, or work on myself, or worst of all, feel my feelings. Im quitting smoking, Im angry, I dont want to feel the anger inside of me and need to get it out so I bark at Tim rather than deal with it on on my own, know it’s about me, and has nothing to do with him. I also think there was of course a better way for cooling me down which did not involve the wet cold hand ;) I remember this was one of my great lessons in production. I used to say all the time, “there are a million ways to do one thing, none of them being the right way,” Of course secretly thinking my way was the right way, the most efficient way and the most cost effective way but I had to be patient so that others around me could feel empowered and not micromanaged as I had been so many times in my life. Which I know, from personal experience, creates fear and insecurity and then you end up with a bunch of scared people who cant think for themselves anymore or just give up and do it for the money and go home and bitch about their jobs. I’ve been in that place. That place of being scared, not wanting to do something fearing someone will think I did it wrong, re-do my work and in turn, I stopped thinking for myself and just become a drone when I worked for that person. So when I became a producer and had a crew I vowed never to treat anyone poorly like I had been in the past. Same rules apply in relationships. It’s just easier to do it with co-workers. You don’t have to live with them or have a personal attachment to how they do things because your not thinking in the FOREVER terms with them like you are with your partner.

So Tim’s way may not make sense to me, may never make sense to me and may never be the way I would do things but that does not mean I have to do anything about it or manipulate it into making it into my way. It’s my lesson. To remember not to take it personally and to constantly take a deep breath, count to 10, think about my words, then speak. The wet hand on the forehead..I want to take personally. I want to, and did. I bitched at him that IM not the one that wants the cold wet hand on my forehead, that is what HE wants and he needs to KNOW what I want. Granted...I need to tell him in a loving way what my needs are but I don’t need to get pissed off at him that he does not know what I like and do not like or that he forgets what I like and do not like. That’s just who he is and I love him for who he is and thank GOD he is not like me otherwise it would be a house hold of nervous worrying neurotic energy tweaking everything constantly and trying to make it the way I want it, which is of course perfect.

I apologized to him for being a biznatch this morning. He just gave me a big hug, held me for a moment and kissed the top of my head and said, “I love my little grumparilla in the morning.” and left for work. That is the beauty of Tim. He lets everything role off him and doesn't take anything personally or even think about it. He hangs onto nothing. He is this natural yogi. Pretty much at peace, content and happy with everything. He’s not bothered by much and over thinks nothing. He’s my exact opposite and more like the person I have been trying to become and hope to be some day. It’s why I do and have done all this yoga, meditation and therapy over the years. Just to be at peace and be happy with what is...in this moment.

Another lesson, and one I know, but have to put into practice over and over and over again and do it until it becomes a part of me. And probably relearn it over and over again.

“They” do say...a relationship is your best practice and where you learn the most about yourself.

Lost in the Forest

Last night Tim and I committed to getting up every morning at 5:45 and doing yoga together for the next 40 days. It’s typical in Kundalini yoga for you commit to a 40 day set. Basically the theory is that if you do something for 40 days it becomes a habit. So...hopefully it will become a habit. I’ve got so far away from my practice. I know that I’ve always been freezing or boiling with no in-between. In the past if I was doing yoga, I was a vegan, I was a macrobiotic, I never drank and never smoked and got my 8 hours of sleep and was a good person who helped old ladies cross the street. If I was NOT doing yoga I was drinking, smoking, using alot of western medicine for any ailment and popping any pill I could get my hands on and eating cheese and butter. So...I’d like to try the in-between and I think I might actually be at a place in my life where I can do it. Not because Im forcing myself to but because it’s where Im at. I am going back to being a vegan though. I just feel better. Im sure I’ll eat the occasional dairy product so I don’t have to starve if that is my only option, but for the most part just stop eating all the crap and doing yoga. Besides I have to get myself ready for macrobiotic school. Which actually will probably put me over the deep end again. Whatever. Can’t fight nature.

The good thing is that I have a man in my life who wants to get up and do yoga with me. And Kundalini yoga at that. Its not your average yoga and a little freaky. So I feel really blessed about that. It’s something I have always wanted but have never been attracted to the yogi men so thought I would just end up doing in on my own. Anyway...what else

Getting a nice social life again which is so important to me. Spent Tuesday night at the Cafe with my new friend Vicki making Apple chutney and telling each other our lives stories. Then on Saturday, Tim and I went out with our friends Steve and Rachel. They came up from Bristol and we did the Wrington pub crawl. Wrington is the village we live in. The village has one gas station, one very small market with vegetables and some organic products, another market that rents movies and sells smut magazines and booze, a florist, a hair dresser that does manny petties for 50 pounds (like 80 american dollars - girl has lost her little English MIND charging that much) and two pubs. So...We started at the Plow which is pronounced Plow but spelt differently and I can’t remember how, and ate a horrible dinner there, ten we went to the Lion where everyone in the village goes. There was an English man dressed as Elvis singing songs Karaoke style and he even brought his own mini light show. So I was pretty excited about that. Because everyone lives so far from one another if you go out with someone you spend the night at their house so that is fun as well. Then we got up and brought them to the car boot sale where we bought a bunch of garbage and ate deep fried veggie burgers and drank cokes. They are so much fun and Im so so so happy that we are making friends.

From there we came home, took a nap then Tim decided that he really wanted to take me on this hike he has been talking about. I agreed but it was already about 6pm. We took a flash light “just in case” we were walking part of the way in the dark. All of this sort of went against my better judgement as I thought it was a little late to be going on a “hike” but decided to not be complainer and just go with it. As we walked, and walked, and hiked and the sun was going down more and more, I said to Tim it was probably not the best idea for us to be walking in the forest at night and I actually did not have really any interest in that at all and how much further was it before we got to the cliff where there is this great look out he is talking about. He said we would be fine, it would be an adventure and it was only about 15 more minutes and then if we wanted to we could walk along the main road on the way back. I was doing my best to erase all the horror films in my head where the couple goes on an innocent nature adventure totally ill prepared and gets slaughtered by the in-bred family living in the trees, but only after torturing us for days on end. As the sun started to set and it started to get dark Tim started walking faster and faster, taking us now off the main trail (another recipe for absolute slaughter) to cut through the forest to get to where we needed to go. Finally I yelled, “are we lost??” and he said, “well, I think I know where we are, I think it’s just over there.” Well...let’s just say, we got off the path, got lost, and finally Tim turned back to me and said, “I have no clue where we are and Im scared.” My immediate thought was, “the only thing you have to be scared of is me at the moment.” But I did not say that, I kicked myself for not listening to my intuition and my judgement, which officially I’ve decided is much better than Tim’s :) and took a deep breath and said, “it will be just fine honey, we have a flashlight and this forest isn’t that big, we will find our way back.” We held hands and started walking really fast though the forest, found a trail and eventually, after hiking through the dark forest in the pitch black, found our way out of it. So...3 hours later we were home..Enough said. Though we did look on Google maps satellite view when we got home and that forest is huge and we were lucky not to have gotten completely lost. The good think about England is that there are not wild animals here like there are in the states. I guess the bears and wild cats never made their way over to this island so that gave me some peace, though Im not so sure about the in-bred families.

We got a letter from immigration saying that they received our paper work and not to leave the country....which we can’t do anyway since they have our passports. Bit of a nail bitter......Everyone send some good energy our way. We should hear back soon.