Mars bars and big asses

Worry

God I love this life. I really really do. And I really like not feeling stress or pressure. I have to work today at 10 and I want to go in but I don’t. I think it’s good for me. It keeps my mind preoccupied. Away from that question that keeps knocking at my door, “what are you going to do with your life? Where is the money going to come from? How can you sustain this life without going back to a crazy job? What if you want a baby? How will you afford that?” Because the truth is, Im not all THAT worried about my future for once. My old worry wants so badly to bother me but the reality is I feel calm for some unknown reason. Like Im going to be taken care of, that something will come up, something will make sense, as long as I continue to do what is good for me and follow my dreams. The unfortunate thing about that is now I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore. Im not sure I really want to cook for people everyday. I love cooking for my friends and for Tim but Im not so sure I want to be in a kitchen for 8 hours a day going bananas cooking for a bunch of faceless people. But that does not have to be my only option. I could do parties, hold classes, do evening events and teach people the little that I know. So either way....I just need to live my life and it will come to me naturally. It always does. I know this. I wanted to get out of Apple, I wanted to fall in love with my soul mate and so I kept looking and trying to make different men fit into what I thought love felt like and none of them were doing it for me then Tim came along. And I looked at him and said, “oh no..he’s way to young, he doesn’t make any money and he lives in England. He’s super cute and amazing and all but he’s not for me. I need that guy over there that I dont really like but that fits into my plan.” But the universe had a different plan for me. The one that I wanted all along and the one that I had been praying for. True love, a true magic and the rest of that stuff that I thought I needed I did not need and now here I am, away from Apple and advertising and living in a peaceful country side with the man of my dreams. So I should learn that I don’t need to plan anything. I have had proof of that my entire life and I never listened. I thought I needed to be in complete control so I did things I did not want to do and walked away from the things I really wanted because it did not fit 100% into MY plan. I listened to those around me rather than my own intuition. And this time, I did not even think. I just quit my job and moved to England with Tim and Im so happy. I know I will be taken care of, I am being totally taken care of.

I have always wanted the day to be gone so that I could stop working for the day, I think it’s that working for the weekend thing. The light at the end of the tunnel when Friday comes along and I did not have to go through the insanity of my week any longer. When I could get out of the relationship with the guy I did not like, move from the city I no longer appreciated. I have always wanted something more, something that I thought would be better than what I was living in. And it’s such a waste of a life. I never taught myself how to just be. And I don’t want to wake up when Im 80 and have not enjoyed my precious life that was given to me because I always wanted something other than what was happening in my moment. It’s not easy. I was born to worry. About everything. It takes everything I have not to worry. Right now Im not worried about the big life things but then the small things become louder. Like putting cloths in the dryer at 7:30 this morning. Will I wake someone up? Should I be putting my cloths in the dryer as the people that I live with don’t use the dryer because it takes up to much energy. Im on my bike and Im worried about the car behind me having to wait to pass me because the roads here are so tiny. Do I look pretty today? Am I wearing the right thing that flatters my chunky figure at the moment? I can never just be. It’s not in my nature. And really, who cares? People can take care of themselves and if they can’t it’s not my business. The car can honk, the landlords can tell me not to use the dryer, and no one cares what I look like but me so why can’t I just BE!!! I’ve made it my complete nature to not relax. I don’t know how. I cant believe I don’t have two huge worry wrinkles over my eyebrows though Im sure they are coming. It’s a constant struggle and one that I fight every moment. I just worry. The stressful job just added to the worry. I just gave myself bigger things to worry about on top of the small ones which made me the worst stress case on the planet. So at least that is gone and now I can battle the little ones. Make it a meditation. See the worry and just let it go. And if I continue to do that long enough I can teach myself a new behavior pattern.

Okay.....off to work. The dryer is beeping, which really makes me worried that Im waking up a household full of people. So I gotta go. Did I say I was not worried at the beginning of this? Huh.....I lied. Im worried :)

London and the Country

Im back from London. It was an amazing trip and thanks to Lauren, I had a great tour guide. We probably walked 20 miles and saw so much. A Jack the Ripper walking tour through the East End, then drinks with Harriet and her friend Kate at the bar where the prostitutes used to go back in 18th century. I learned that the living conditions were so bad and there was little water and the water that was available was so bad to drink it would kill you so everyone had to drink gin and was pretty much an alcoholic. Women had to sell their bodies for a bit of stale bread and a sip of gin. Which of course horrifies me when I think about the fact that it was not that long ago and what if something happens to our water supply. Will I have to shag someone for a pence, some gin and a bite of stale bread? ANYWAY.....we walked over the London Bridge (and I could not get “London Bridges falling down” out of my head for the entire day). Saw the London Tower, Big Ben and my favorite the Borough Market, one of the oldest outdoor Farmers markets on the planet (yes it's true) and there was so much amazing food and cheese I was glad to let go of my vegan for the weekend and ate a ton of it. Feeling it today but who cares, it was delicious! I was lucky enough to see a bunch of my friends from Apple and just had a great time.

I have to say though...it’s good to be home. In the country side with Tim. It’s calm here, quiet and I got to come home to the love of my life and am so grateful for that. I have been alone for so long with so much to keep me entertained but in the end, this is what I want. Unless I can somehow get all my girlfriends and their families to move to the country side in England and start a commune! Anyone??

I get that Im an extremist. I love the insanity of the city, the energy of it. I get there and I pick up on it right away. I can feel it running through my blood and I love it. I want to be out, do everything and eat good food and drink good wine and shop and be a consumer and spend money but honestly....there is nothing boring to me about being in love, having a calm life, cooking, being at home, not having a set schedule or a routine of what I need to do today and just go slow. I wonder if I really want both or if I just have not let go of my old life yet? Maybe I will always want both and if so I can find a way to make that happen. But I need to give this life some time. It’s not in my blood yet and not coursing through my veins but even as I say that I can feel the country life settling in. I’ve been here 20 days now and I can feel the difference. I feel calm, the knot in my stomach is gone and I see the opportunity to grow if I allow myself the time to let it all sink in and not run back to a crazy job in a big city because it’s all I know. Can I make this work? Can I really find a way to stay in a calm, slow life and find the adventure and excitement in that? To just be still and do what I love without being distracted by the collective insanity of a stressful job and the city? Can I get into the country side? Love? Doing things slowly? I think so. Its just going to take some time. It’s that deprograming thing. Lauren and I were walking through the city talking about how crazy it is that on her set in London they take an hour for lunch. We were like, “you take an hour for lunch?? Are you people crazy? Why are you not slumped over your computer eating a horrible sandwich that catering brought in so that you can stay at work at eat it while in front of your computer?!” And we realized that they are the civilized ones. We are the crazy ones. Huh....

One more thing...I just finished reading The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. I seriously cried through every sentence of all 321 pages. Not in a sad way but in a way that reminded me of passion, of life, of women and the importance of family and the love of friends. Of true love and the strength of the bond between people. I said it the first time I read it and I’ll say it again, if your a woman you should read this book once in your life. It’s so beautiful and reminds me to live my life with passion and feel everything rather than watch it go by holding my breath waiting for tomorrow.

OH!! And how could I forget. Tim finally washed his hair!! He gave up on the 6 weeks without washing. THANK GOD!!!

Rain and Tim and Me

6 weeks without washing

So I tried to follow my girlfriend Alison’s food blog and ended up following my own. I have no idea how I got by in a tech company. Im such an idiot when it comes to technology. Anyway...if your interested in Macrobiotics or vegan food she has a great blog with some great links. http://alisonpalison.blogspot.com Alison and I went to yoga school together and she is the one who taught me so much and constantly inspires me in macrobiotics and yoga.

Tim’s sister and fiance are coming in for a quick visit today and then Im off to a girls 5 day weekend in London tomorrow. I have not been to London yet so am super excited about it and about seeing Lauren. Were going to take a Jack the Ripper tour! I can’t wait. Then we are planning our 2 week vacation to Turkey. Leaving end of July.

Not much to say today. I attached some photos. Of the rain from my living room window, Tim and I, me in our kitchen, and my cute bike with the basket that Tim got for me.

It has finally stopped raining for a second and a half so Im going to hop on my bike and get to the farm to pick up some veggies to cook up for tonight before the downpour starts again. I have a few small windows of opportunity to actually be outside when it’s not raining. I think Im just going to have to get used to biking in the rain since I refuse to drive in this insane country of drivers. Im still biking on the wrong side of the road and looking the wrong way when I cross the street so going to avoid driving for the time being. Im sure I will get sick of not being able to drive soon enough but at the moment Im going to stick to the bike. It will help me loose this 10 pounds I gained during the iPhone launch (I like to blame everything I don’t want to take responsibility for on Apple). Not sure who the kicking post is going to be now. I guess myself. Or maybe I can just blame Tim for everything :)

OH...and p.s. Tim has a couple of experiments going at the moment that I should mention.

1. Growing his hair long (which I love and think he looks mighty foxy)
2. Someone told him that if you don’t wash your hair for 6 weeks it starts to clean itself and he was fascinated enough to attempt this experiment on himself. Soooooo.....I think we are on day 7. He’s trying to talk me into it but....um...no.

Love and Life

Im finally feeling more at home and not so strung out on what Im doing with my life, what is my plan for my future and just enjoying my moments. It’s only day 13 but it’s starting to happen. For the last 2 days I have not woke up in a panic wondering what in the hell have I done and beating myself up for not doing 25 productive things in my day. It’s such a challenge to just be with myself. To not listen to my head and to follow my soul and my heart.

I was writing a friend today about love and life and realized I needed to take my own advice. I also realized that being in a relationship is like a full time job that needs constant attention, constant love, and constant sacrifice of my heart. I want to love Tim and yet every time I do and every time I feel what I really feel for him I want to shut it down. It’s automatic. It’s what I have done my whole life and I have knowing, or unknowing, sabotaged every relationship I have ever been in based on the automatic shut down, just behaving poorly or focusing on all the things that are wrong with him, with us so that I do not have to feel this intense feeling and live with the fear that something might go wrong with it. He might leave, he might die, I might fall completely out of love with him so then why even try to love him because I don’t want to hurt him and I sure as hell don't want to be hurt so I might as well start planning my exit now. And all this goes through my mind in a split second. Our minds and thoughts work faster than the speed of light (yes it’s true) and all of a sudden, without knowing it, Im destroying my life and I don’t even know why. My mind has completely taken over and my soul and heart didn’t even have a say in the matter. So I’ve stayed safe. Protected by my career, my money, my friends, my home and the end result, over and over, is that I have been alone. Even when I’ve been in relationships I’ve been alone because I have never given him or myself the opportunity to truly be in it. Our ego’s take over and our walls come up and then all of a sudden we are breaking up and dislike one another and we don't even know why.

So now, I have none of my protection. I have no career, no money coming in, no job or project to keep my mind and body completely preoccupied every second of my day. I don’t have my girlfriends to distract me with wine and dinners and amazing times. So many of those times when I’ve heard myself say, “who need’s a man anyway? I’ve got plenty of money, a great job, lots of friends and a sperm bank as close as my laptop if I want a baby”. It’s been a lie for me. I’ve always wanted to truly be in love with my soul mate. So now...It’s just me, here, alone in England with Tim. And maybe on some subconscious level I knew I needed to leave everything behind to make this one work. This one is special. More special than any before him and so without thinking Im all of a sudden here, in a small village with nothing to protect me and it’s scary. But if Im going to follow my own advice, it’s worth it. To open up, to allow myself to be loved and to truly love someone else, regardless of what the outcome is. To constantly practice opening up my heart and soul to this experience and not future trip about what is going to happen with us. Stay unattached to the outcome. Not plan the wedding and the names of our children in my head (though I do admit to a little whiplash whenever I see a bridal shop). Some habits are hard to break. Although I know one thing as a proven fact, whatever I have done in my past, has not worked. It has never worked. So now Im doing something different. Im putting myself first, not him, though I am putting our relationship first. Making that the priority in my life. Not my career or my girlfriends or anything else, but treating this relationship almost like a child. Constantly asking myself what it needs to be happy and stay healthy and be nurtured. Almost like it’s it’s own separate entity. Not just what Tim needs or what I need, but what do we need as a couple to stay happy and healthy? The first step is an open heart and then alot of communication and complete honesty on my end. Telling him everything that is going through my head and what I like and what I don’t like and just being myself 100%. That is also another thing I have never done. I’ve never thought I was good enough so I have always attempted to be whatever it is I think they want me to be and not ever asked for what it is that I want and need. That is a whole other project. But thankfully I’ve been through enough rancid relationships where I was not myself to know that didn’t work either. So Im just me, 10 pounds overweight, 11 years older, scared, in love, and totally open. It’s not easy but it’s easier to be myself than to try to be something or someone that Im not. I didn’t grow up learning to be open and ask for what it was that I wanted. I stayed quiet and contorted myself into whatever made those around me happy and conformable. So...not doing that anymore either.

Life is just a constant lesson. Im 39 and feel like Im a child at times. How do I not know this stuff? But I don’t. And I don’t think Im completely alone either. Which is the unfortunate part. If only we all learned at a young age that we were amazing creatures and we deserved our heart’s desire, what a world this would be. Ahh well...then maybe life would not be so spicy and full of learning and adventure. Constantly seeking, constantly learning and constantly growing.

So...see what happens. I can see that is part of the reason Im here. Im always looking for the reason behind everything in my life. Why did the universe bring me here? Because I know I did not do this all on my own. My plan for me 4 months ago was not to quit my 6 figure salary job at the best company in the US and move to a small village in England fall in love with a 28 year old man. Yet here I am....and Im so grateful Im here.

Bath: The Spa & Bruno

Tim took me to the spa today in Bath. I don't have any pics of the spa but it was beautiful. We sat on the roof top mineral pool and looked out over the city. It was amazing. Then we walked around Bath, bought a bunch of stuff including a new digital camera (which by the was it is so cool that you can just put your memory card into the new mac book and it goes directly into iPhoto) and then went to see Bruno. It's so weird being in this amazing place and then going to see a movie. It's nice to know I can come back anytime because I live here ;) Just finished up a nice macro meal and about to go to sleep. The sun doesn't go down until 10:30 so it messes with my head but Im tired enough that it wont bug me tonight.