Being in my moment

Not much to say today. I had a long ichat with a friend of mine from San Francisco today and just put my mind at peace about where Im at. I worry so much about my financial future so think I need to start planning my life and what Im going to do to make money. Always thinking my only option is to go back to the Advertising world. Though I look around me, in this village, and see people all around me doing just fine following their hearts. They may not be making 6 figures (which is not even that much money anymore) but they are so happy to be doing what they are doing. And if your happy in corporate america then you are blessed. I wish I was but I was not so needed to find another way. I know what I cant do anymore. I just don't know what I CAN do anymore. Or what I WANT to do anymore. I don't know if I want to cook for a living. I love cooking but not really sure I want to do it for anyone else other than my friends and family. I love writing but not sure it's going anywhere other than this blog and in my journal. I love working at the Cafe but not sure I want it to go any further than where it's at right now. I love yoga but have got away from my practice. Im honestly not sure about anything right now other than Tim. Which is a blessing. Which is what I have wanted for so long. I have wanted this relationship for so long and now I have it. I might as well enjoy it for a second rather than just check it off the list and start worrying about something else. I was obsessed about finding the right relationship for so long. Now that I have it Im like, "okay, got it..what's next on the list of things to check off?? My life's passion, right, figure that out RIGHT now." So maybe I can just enjoy where Im at today and let the rest come to me as it will.

So today..I have decided to just stay in my moment and ask myself how I am doing right now? The answer is I am at peace in this moment. I have a beautiful relationship, I got to talk to my friend for an hour that I miss so much, I got up at 6am, made Tim breakfast and lunch then baked my first loaf of macrobiotic bread (which totally sucks by the way but looks really good :), and all I have to do today is go to the post office and mail off some paperwork to immigration, bike to the Cafe and hang out in the kitchen with my new friend Vicki, gossip and make 52 jars of Apple Chutney all night. Seriously....it's pretty much my perfect day.

So what is the problem? There is no problem. Not in this moment anyway. Give me a minute...Im sure I'll think of something....

A constant lesson

Im continuing to find out so many things about myself. I know..it’s life’s journey. If we knew everything about ourselves and the world around us then what is the point. It would be a bore. You think you know everything and then you stop growing. So...surrender to the learning process, whatever it is and just go with it. UG!!! So hard!

I decided yesterday, after using an entire bottle of olive oil in like a week that I needed to get back on my macrobiotic cooking and stop being such a lazy vegetarian. I can’t even call myself a vegan anymore. I love milk in my coffee and cheese with my wine. Whatever..I probably always will like and allow myself all that stuff but if I cook with one more ounce of olive oil anytime soon Im going to barf.

Anyway....the point. A piece of paper fell out of one of my macrobiotic books that has not been cracked open for about a year and it said exactly what I needed to read as I have been FREAKING out about what Im suppose to do with my life. I wrote it down over a year ago. Back in the days when I used to meditate and do yoga. I got this out of a meditation and it reads, “Be patient and calm and allow my life to happen naturally. Allow the universal wisdom in and take it’s guidance.”

So....what have I learned from that? A few things.

1. Be patient. I keep putting myself on this time clock. I have 6 months (well...now like 3.5 months) to figure out what I want to do with this next half of my life and if I do not figure it out by January then I obviously have to go back to Apple. First of all, I have no idea WHY Im putting this limitation on myself. Totally out of fear. Fear I will not have enough money, fear that the whole visa thing will not work out and I will have to move back to America and get a corporate job. None of that is true. It’s all just me living in pessimism and fear and has nothing to do with reality. I have no idea what is going to happen. And if I need proof of anything one thing I do know is that regardless of what is happening in my life I am always taken care of and always land on my feet. Another favorite quote of mine is, “chose love not fear in every situation.” So going to try to use that one from now on. Try being the key word in that sentence.

1. Be calm. Right. And how can I do that? Number one, not listen to the freaked out voices in my head. And how do I quiet those? With everything I know and used to do. I have an arsenal of things I have learned over the years and have not been using any of them. So how about with yoga, with meditation. So...less olive oil, more yoga and meditation.

1. Allow my life to happen naturally. A friend of mine put it best to me at the beginning of this journey. “Just live and life will happen to you”. I love that.

So...Im going to try to just breathe deep. If I love something Im going to do it. Have faith. Listen to my body rather than my mind. My mind will race 1000 miles an hour and can sometimes be my worst enemy. I know when things are right and wrong by what my body is telling me. If Im physically comfortable, then it’s a yes. If Im uncomfortable, anywhere in my body, then I need to sit with it and find out what the problem is and listen to my body. For me that is where the universal wisdom comes in. It flows through our bodies and we have to listen to it. It comes in our intuition which is felt in our bodies and it’s constantly communicating with us if we listen and allow ourselves to feel.

I think about how long ago my panic attacks started and realize they were trying to tell me to slow down. To stop for a moment and think about what I was doing and see if this was right for me. I think about how fast my heart used to beat at Apple. How I would have to go in the bathroom stalls and cry because of the stress and then I finally just became numb. My body is alot happier and if Im patient, it will lead me to where Im suppose to go. As long as I stay open to it.

Clueless

How do we know what is true? What is reality? Why does it matter? Im reading the first pages of Richard Dawkins, The Greatest Show on Earth, and I already don’t know if I can handle the anger that is being spewed in the first few pages. Though Im interested in what he has to say so I will continue to read it. It’s all about Evolution and it’s a nice break from the, Hundred Years of Solitude, Im also reading. That one is wrapped in fantasy, ungrounded, and full of dreams blended with reality. Id rather life in a world where I choose what is real. Like Gabriel Garcia Marquez does in his Hundred Years of Solitude. I just wonder if in the end it really matters?

I think that is why I never enjoyed school. Listening to someone else’s theories on life (which is just how I saw it though none of it I believed or made any sense to me so I just stopped paying attention). I wanted to create my own belief system. Live my own life with the ability to know, based just on my “knowing”, what was right and wrong for me (granted...probably not making the wisest of choices on many occasions, but either way at some point always learning from them). I remember one day talking to my brother who put it simply, “I have no idea what happens after this life but Im just here, every day, trying to be the best and nicest person I can be.” Sounds like a good plan for life. Then again, does even that matter? If God is all forgiving we are all going to the same place anyway. Then again I don’t believe in heaven or hell but if there is and God is all forgiving that means even if you are a murder then we are all going to the same place anyway. That is saying if you believe God exists. Which even THAT does not matter. Because if he does exist he does not care either way. He’s got nothing to prove for God sake..he’s God. So does that mean nothing matters? So why even bother? Why not then just live in our moments, experience whatever we choose and stop making such a big deal out of it all. If you choose to be good, be good. If that’s what makes you happy. I know that is what makes me feel good. Im happier when Im healthy, eating right, doing good things for my self and for other people. Im happier believing in God, in the wisdom of the universe, in angels, but only because I find it more interesting. Not that I think anyone else should believe or I even care what anyone else believes. It does not matter to me nor do I want to push what I believe down anyone else's throats. If I read something that someone else writes and it makes me feel good then so be it. Either way....I know Im not happy when Im not healthy...mentally or physically. So..I just do my best.

Yet I continue to read. I have books all over the place. Half our apartment is full of books and I got rid of at least 100 of them when I moved to England. Im surrounded by them and I love them and find comfort in them like my old childhood teddy. I read to entertain myself. I believe what I choose to believe weather or not it makes any sense to anyone else or even myself. Based yet again on pure intuition and also what is fun to believe. Id rather believe that in 2012 the earth’s planets will align and the world access will shift and they are doing so slowly at the moment and there is this unproven, but felt by some, shift that is happening in the world right now because we are feeling the effects of the earths changes. Because we are connected to all that is. Even though there is no proof. That shift is silently, quietly, gently (not not so gently for some) It’s why you and I know so many people who are changing their lives and having a hard time at the moment because what we used to do no longer makes any sense to us and is making us miserable. Sound crazy? Maybe but it’s what I choose to believe.

I choose to believe that there are angles surrounding me gently guiding me but I have no proof. I choose to believe in flying carpets and fairy’s and vampires and things that go bump in the night because it’s more entertaining to me. Not because Im crazy...or I even want to run into a vampire at midnight by myself walking in a dark corner. It’s just more interesting to me.

And I love the theory of evolution so I read it. I just wish everyone did not have to go on a rant to prove a point (then again...I do believe Im on a rant at the moment :). Maybe it will get better. Maybe not but it will be interesting. And again, on my death bed...will it even matter? Probably not. What am I going to wish that I had done with my life? I really don’t know. Im CLUELESS!!! At the moment Im just going to enjoy my day in bed, in pain from cramps, reading all my books and trying not feel guilt for anything for a moment (guilt for not getting up and cleaning the house, getting in the shower, making the bed, leaving the bedroom, guilt for just sitting here and reading all day). Why is that so bad and why do I think there is something else I think I should be doing when this is all I want to do today? I know one thing...Im going to wish I did not feel so much guilt and worry in my life at the end.

Okay..I’m officially exhausted :)

Comments

Okay...so Im a total technology nob. I think I had comments disabled. So...please comment if you like. I would love to hear your comments. Either that or no one is reading this.....hich is totally fine too ;) xoxo

Francie France France

Im totally addicted to the Nicorette patch. It’s day 22. No smoking but I get up every morning excited for my cup of coffee and the sweet smell of nicotine as I open that little sweet patch and remove the little flesh colored sticker that I have anticipated applying to my arm all morning. The smell of the nicotine gets even stronger as I peel off the adhesive backing and slap in on my upper arm. Then there is the tiny rush I get as I feel the nicotine start gushing through my blood stream. Just like a proper junkie. I need to go to Nicorette patch anonymous. I guess the good news is that Im not smoking. The bad news is Im addicted to the patch and there are many moments where I still want to smoke a good ole fashioned cigarette. Fucking cigarettes. I mean really. No wonder people are dying of lung cancer and are caught out in the back of the hospital with their oxygen tank that is threatening to blow them to bits sneaking a cigarette. Wicked. People do say it’s second to quitting heroin. Though I’ve known quite a few X junkies and they laugh when you say that. Im not having to be chained to a bed, sweating, screaming and wanting to die because I can’t smoke a cigarette. I guess things could be worse. Anyway......

So we are back from France. Im attaching pic’s. I can only post 5 at a time so here are my 5 favorite. France was amazing. I really love it there and love the people there. Everyone is so helpful and friendly and kind. I have never had a bad experience there or with a French person yet so many people poo poo the French and I have no idea why. I think they are lovely people, with a great passion and way of life. I love how expressive they are. Hand gestures, and they either seem to be disgusted or excited. I love it. Different from the stoic English but I love them too. I think everyone is so interesting how we all behave from region to region. And Americans, I’ve decided were sort of in the middle of the two. Granted, this is just me and my own little world I live in.

We camped in Normandy and basically stayed in one spot about 2 blocks from the ocean then drove up and down the Normandy coast. It’s so beautiful with so much history. We visited the American Cemetery where 125,000 American men and women are berried. We visited the D Day beaches that 65 years later children and families go to sunbathe and splash in the water. It was weird though. I really felt the sadness of that place. Where so many people were slaughtered. It made me think about war alot and how in WW II they were fighting for freedom. We liberated France from the Germans but still got there way to late. Why did we not do that before millions of Jews were massacred? I don’t know. Anyway...going through all the historical tours and all the war for all the land and freedom and religion and my way is right and borders it truly was a great reminder that we have been doing it wrong for centuries. Then on our last day there was an interview with the Dali Lama who has done what he can to save his people with non violence. I just hope that is the way we are headed. I truly do. Obama is a good sign for America. Anyway...bla bla....Okay.....what else?

It was a good trip for Tim and I. We “bonded” even more. Learning more and more about each other. How we handle stressful situations and how we are both good at things and bad at things and are teaching each other a lot.

We planned nothing on this trip which I was worried about. We got to France and neither of our bank or credit cards were working so we had no money and I FREAKED OUT!! Well...freaking out for me is pretty bland but I was stressed. Tim was fine. He knew we would be fine and would survive and all I wanted to do was blame him.....and all I had to do was call the bank and we were fine. Then back went out and I am still teaching Tim how to take care of me. So it was a good way for him to learn and me to realize that men do not know inherently how to take care of a woman. In past relationships I would have been PISSED at how Tim handled the situation. He did not know what to do, did not know that he should have booked us in a hotel room, did not know to stop nagging me for sex and attention and in the past that would have been some serious ground for me planning the great escape (which I usually start doing around now in any relationship). This time...Im doing something different. I realized Im a grown woman, that this man is totally in love with me just does not know how to take care of me and that I can take care of myself...and oh yeah..I have a voice and know how to communicate. So I just told him what to do in a loving way coming from a loving place. I told him I knew he loved me and that I need to know that he can take care of me and so Im going let him know exactly what I need. And that is what we did and are continuing to do and he’s amazing. He just does not know. And I do know. Men (for the most part) are not physic or very intuitive like we are naturally as women so we have to tell them what we want otherwise they do not know. And really....men want to take care of us. It reminds them they are men. But unless we tell them what we need they do not know. And not in a screaming what the hell is wrong with you for not knowing what I need way. In a confident, I know you love me and this is what I need way. I guess my 39 years, 2 failed marriages, and 1 million failed relationships (along with loads of therapy and 200 self help books) I finally know what to do. Tim’s pretty much a clean slate too. He’s young and has not been in many long term relationships so a bit more communication is needed on my end but that is fine. Im in love with him and I will do what it takes to make it work.

Okay....probably about enough out of me today. Once again...Im the worst travel writer on the planet but I got to learn on my trip how to communicate with the man I love and we are growing because of it. And the back is starting to feel better. Though don’t know if it’s from the 1600 mg of ibuprofen Im chewing a day or that it’s actually healing. Doing yoga every day and have a Doctor’s appointment today. Did you know that as an American if you do not have health insurance in this country they see you for free? Socialized medicine. Got to love it. I just need some serious muscle relaxers so that I can relax my muscles. Sometimes I need western medicine.

OH...and one more thing and I don’t know what this means. To get into our campsite we had to press in a code and the code was my birthday: 010770 ( July 1, 1970). It’s got to mean something right?? Since I don’t believe in coincidence.

Back from France

Sorry it's been so long. Im an old lady, threw out my back again. It is horrible and Im in rancid constant pain which makes it hard for me to write because I can't concentrate. Yes...Im here for the pity PARTY. Thank you. It does just suck though. Im 39 and I feel like Im 25 but my body is still 39. Even though Im not going to buy into all the bullshit about getting older and what we can and can not do. Because I do believe that if we take care of ourselves, exercise, eat right, do yoga, we can very youthful as we get older and we do not have to surrender to the effects of age. THAT said....aahhhh ummm...this bad yogi, NOT taking such great care of herself 39 year old is in a 39 year old body and evidently it was a bit rough on the old back. So....not much to write today but just wanted to check in. I will write more soon!!