Okay....so day 2 of seriously quitting smoking....AGAIN. I can't believe that I was so stupid to pick up a cigarette again after not smoking for over 5 years. BUT...rather than beat myself to a pulp Im just going to suck it up and tough it out. If Im seriously thinking about the second half of my life and changing it I also choose health. I realize it's not about dying or getting lung cancer or what it's doing to my face (although those are also on the top of my mind) but more than that it's about what it takes from me in my youth and in my health.
When I smoke I really believe that Im shit. It's such a masochistic thing to do to my body. It steels my life breath, my prana, and makes me feel like SUCH a hippocrate for being a yogi and living a vegan macrobiotic lifestyle. None of which I do anymore (and contribute to the smoking). I know it’s got to do with the fact that when I smoke there is a part of me that feels I do not deserve to be healthy because Im smoking. Im putting all that toxic garbage into my body, my lungs, my cells and then my body is like “F you! Your going to treat me like this? Well then in turn Im going to trick you into telling you that you are not deserving of a healthy life. Just have another drink and eat a bunch of crap and you know what? Let’s not do yoga anymore because it is exhausting and hurts our lungs when you breathe that deeply so let’s get up, grab a cup of coffee and smoke 4 cigarettes before 9am instead.” And that is exactly what I have been doing.
I have been romanticizing smoking since I started over a year ago. I keep visualizing myself as some young French girl who is sitting at a cafe sipping her cup of coffee and contemplating life while puffing away. I was in Turkey and everyone smoked so so much and I was justifying my smoking there by thinking all these people just live in the moment, enjoy their lives, sit and drink tea and smoke. It’s so romantic. They are not worried about their death or what it’s taking from them, why should I? BUT..the fact is...Im an American woman, no longer a girl (though will always be on in my mind). Ive spent over the last 10 years of my life in California where if you smoke people want to tar and feather you and make you a public spectacle of who not to be. I love my health, I love yoga, and I just hate smoking. Let me not forget one of the Turkish guys was telling me that the life expectancy in Turkey is early 60’s for men because of all the smoking they do...OH YEAH..duh..smoking does kill. I know this first hand. I have been ignoring that little fact as well. Oh...the bliss if living in a fantasy.
I do feel so much shame around it. I am suppose to be this healthy person and here I am smoking 10-15 cigarettes a day (on a bad day). It goes against everything I believe in. I used to smoke 2 cigarettes before I taught my yoga class then wait until I knew none of my students were anywhere near me then light up a cigarette after class.
I want health and eternal youth and a great body that works for me rather than against me. I want strength and energy. All of which smoking takes from me. It makes me tired and lazy. So....Im quitting. Im going to start doing yoga again every day rather than force myself to do a pathetic 30 minute set once a week IF that and Im going to start reading my macrobiotic books again. The ones I brought out here to read but have been collecting dust because all they talk about is eating food and preparing it in a way that is healing and I don’t feel worthy of it because Im smoking.
I also feel like I do have another motivation factor. And that is Tim. I want to stay young and healthy for him so that I don’t rot away as he stays forever 11 years younger than me. In my appearance but also in my body and energy. I want to have the energy to do things and be healthy and go on bike rides and run around. I don’t want to be dragging an oxygen tank around with me 15 years from now when Im 54 and he’s 43.
Smoking also takes away my moment. It keeps me moving and doing something rather than just taking my time in what Im doing. I am always looking forward to that next cigarette so I do things fast so I can go out and smoke. I rush through the dishes and cleaning the house because as my reward for all my labor...I get to have a cigarette. I end conversations before they should end because I want to go outside and have a cigarette. The addiction is running my life. I remember the last time I quit I felt so free. This addiction had ruled my life for so long. Im at the airport and want to run outside to smoke before I get my connecting flight (SUCH a pain in the ass to have to go through security again), I just want whatever Im doing to end so that I can go smoke. Addiction is a wicked thing really and it does rule your life. It’s constantly knocking at my door needing me to get out of where I am and give it attention. It will make me give up this life of wanting to cook and write and run back to the advertising world. It thrives in that chaos and drama. It’s really just not my friend and it’s kinda the devil taken form of a little white stick with tobacco and loads of other chemicals. So...Im quitting. Day 2. For me, for Tim and for my future. I want to stay on my path.
I just picked up this macrobiotic book called Glow. It’s about the rejuvenating powers of food, Chinese medicine and the yin and the yang of food, our bodies, and living with the rhythm of the planet rather than just walking around on it completely checked out. I’ve been a little checked out over the last year. It’s time to dive back in and live 100% and feel everything rather than smoke through my feelings then feel nothing. Im at an amazing place in my life. Ive taken huge risks and I wont be able to feel any of it if I continue to smoke through it. I wont be able to use this opportunity to grow. If I don’t feel everything, I don’t experience it, I don’t grow.
So...here I go. I must love to constantly challenge myself. I think part of it is I don’t know live with out addiction or drama and chaos. I always get so close then do something to stir it all up again. It’s life. Im not perfect. I never will be, don’t want to be and do not strive to be. I do strive to enjoy my life though. In a guilt free way. I’ve been feeling so guilty for smoking and what it’s doing to my body so THE END. I am done. I have a hard time posting this one because I feel so much shame around my smoking but Im going to put it up anyway. Why not...I put up all the other shit that is floating around in my head.
Okay..so I like to post photos on my blog. Im a visual person and I don't really like to read anything unless there is a picture somewhere so I googled "smoking" and thought I would share some nasty ass photo's. Can you believe those little kids?? I guess that is the yin and the yang with China. They have this great medicine and thousands of years of great healing but I guess the newest fad in Hunan is kid smoking. Holy SHIT. They are like 4. And that lady smoking through her neck. I seriously have photo's of me pretending to smoke from my neck from last time I smoked. I used to joke that I would never quit smoking and smoke through the hole they are going to have to create in my neck. It was funny when I was drunk and 25. This image...not so funny. And I just thought I would throw in that image of the dude trying to make the book of world records...I guess that is what he's doing??? Or just showing off ;) I dont know but Im sure by mid day today Im going to want to be smoking what he is. Guess I"ll just keep looking at the old lady with the smoking out of her throat. Good lord have mercy.
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