Day 5

So Im seriously loosing my little no smoking Zen mind. Embarking on day 5 without one cigarette and Im about to rip someone’s head off and eat it for breakfast. I remember the last time I quit I thought I needed to go somewhere all alone and scream and throw glass bottles at a brick wall for the first two weeks. It’s unfortunate I did not decide to actually do that this time. My jaw is so clenched that Im afraid Im going to give myself lock jaw or grind out all my fillings in my teeth. Im annoyed with everything and everyone. From the ducks that were so charming a week ago with their constant quacking now sound like they are mocking me with their laughter and I want to go down stairs to the pond and break their little duck necks, show them a thing or two. Tim...Im doing my best to not take out anything on him. So I hold it all in. Everything. Things about him that never bothered me before...little things, like he does not use a napkin when he eats or dry his face after he brushes his teeth so that when he kisses me after he comes out of the bathroom my face gets all wet. These little things I thought were cute are now making me want to kill him. You are all lucky you are a good 5000 miles away from me at the moment. It’s the little things. Big things I can handle. I can get my mind around a crisis (to bad I live in a small village and there isn’t one), I can work, keep my brain and my body occupied, but it’s the small things are making me want to seriously go postal (for the English, that means going insane. Long story short there was a man in the 80’s in America who worked at the post office and one day walked into the post office he worked in with a machine gun and killed everyone he could....so when we say “go postal” it just means go crazy, insane, let loose on everyone around you sort of thing). Don’t worry..I do not have a gun so everyone is safe...for the time being :)

The good news is Im on day 5 and Im not going back. This is absolutely wretched and Im never putting myself through this again. These are feelings I never feel. Im typically so easy going and am not bothered by much, if anything. It gives me great insight to people who have a chemical imbalance, or who can not control their temper, or who always feel like this. It must be a horrible way to live. I hate having these feelings. I know they will go away soon and feel blessed that Im not always like this.

I also have this feeling of dread. That nothing is ever going to be fun again. I dont want to drink, because it makes me want a cigarette so Im not going out (not like I have a huge social life anyway), it makes me not want to write in the morning because I used to go down to my favorite spot by the garden, have my coffee, write and smoke. So I can’t go down there for a couple of weeks, until my mind re-associates that place with a healthy one. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning because I know that I can’t smoke. I remember when my brother quit smoking years ago. He called me and said, “I just feel like there is no point in life right now, there is no more fun” and I laughed. I think I had just quit smoking and knew exactly what he was talking about. We both laughed at how ridiculous it was but it’s true for me at the moment. Im glad I have the experience of not smoking for years because I know this is not true and it will all pass. It just takes some time. And I’ve chosen the perfect time to quit. When I have no stress in life, no stressful job, not many people around me and a small peaceful village. So...perfect place and perfect timing and hopefully soon this feeling will go away. I do not crave smoking at all. I don’t want to put that toxic shit into my system but I do crave getting out of this feeling. The thing I do know is this..if I don’t sit through my feelings and feel everything the feeling stays put like cement. I don’t get to pass through it. So rather that being stuck in this purgatory Im going to feel it all, my anger, my annoyance, Im going to do what I want and not do what I don’t want to do (like the laundry today) and just breathe, feel it all and move through it. It will pass.

Okay...enough of my bile for the day. Just had to get it all out there. If anyone is reading this send me some good peaceful energy. Im in desperate need of it at the moment. But Im going to stay strong, stop being a baby and get through this. For my body that I love that I want to give me a good life...I have to do this for her.