Relationships

Dear God I have no idea what is wrong with me. Tim is driving me crazy. He can’t do anything right. I want him to be something he is not yet even if he was that something I would find fault in that. And why? Why does this insanity happen? I swear it’s this 6-7 month mark that I have always had such a hard time moving through. Or maybe it’s something else? Maybe it’s quitting smoking? I’ve been craving a cigarette lately like you can not believe. Im still using the patches. Maybe my body chemistry is fucked up. Why then do I take it out on the person closest to me? Tim is the only person driving me crazy at the moment. Why? Is it because our partners are direct reflections of us? I read this over and over in all the “self help” relationship books but I don’t know if I believe that honestly. I feel like I think so totally different than Tim. Im inherently methodical. It works in my brain faster than the speed of light. I see something, anything, any situation or thing that needs to get done and understand immediately, without thought, exactly the order in which it’s suppose to happen and how that order will make everyone around it and in it completely comfortable and peaceful.

Just that statement alone has absolute beauty in it and a recipe for complete disaster. The thing is, I believe all women have this trait and probably why we prefer to hang out with our own tribe most occasions. Then sometimes why we drive each other mad and prefer to just have men around so there is not a bunch of control freaks in the room dictating how dinner should be served or where the furniture should go. I guess that’s where the “one woman in the kitchen” statement comes from (not saying we are all in the kitchen...I just like to use the analogy because I like to be in the kitchen). Anyway...it makes it hard for me to understand then, why the men in our lives do everything the exact opposite and completely backwards way from us? And so we, meaning me, as Im not going to put all my ladies in my insane category, get frustrated because I cant then, understand why all the men in my life, Tim being my most recent victim, does not do it the way I would. It is why I love hanging out with my girlfriends. No thought is involved. It’s just a natural flow. So I guess that is it. I have not had to move through this in a really long time. I’ve been alone for over 3 years and that’s the easy part about being alone. You only have yourself to deal with. The hard part is you then only have yourself to blame, which then, has constantly sent me into a world of therapy, self obsession, and self help books constantly trying to heal this obsessive, controlling mind I have but then I realize, being in a relationship, no matter how much “work” I’ve done on myself, they just pop up again and are magnified regardless of all the knowledge I have. I have not put it into practice with anyone in a really long time. And lets be honest, I have not had much success in the past anyway.

Yesterday I was watching this older couple. This sweet cute old man had ordered a scone with cream and jam. I watched him, very pleased, carry his scone back to the table where he and his wife were sitting. I was smiling as I watched him sit down and then I looked at his wife who had this look of complete annoyance and anger on her face. She barked, “why on EARTH did you order a scone with CREAM!!! Where is your butter???!!” And he replied with calmness but a hint of anger and frustration, “it’s just how they serve it here.” He put his head down to eat his scone no longer with excitement but in silence and not about to enjoy it half as much as he would have about 5 seconds earlier before his wife gave him shit about the cream. I thought to myself, “I will NEVER be like that woman!!”

WELL....I am. This morning, totally annoyed with Tim because he put his wet cold hand on my forehead because he thought I was hot and thought it might feel nice to have a wet cold hand on my forehead. That made complete sense to him. If he were hot he would want a wet cold hand on his forehead but to me I got angry because I hate it when there is anything wet on me when Im dry and I have been waking up Mrs. Crabby Panties every morning for the last week for no apparent reason other than my body chemistry is a bit off so I take it out on Tim. The one I love the most. And there I was..the old lady in the cafe.

I guess being in a relationship is a great and easy way for me not to look at myself and my own shit but focus on someone else's shit so I dont have to be wrong, or work on myself, or worst of all, feel my feelings. Im quitting smoking, Im angry, I dont want to feel the anger inside of me and need to get it out so I bark at Tim rather than deal with it on on my own, know it’s about me, and has nothing to do with him. I also think there was of course a better way for cooling me down which did not involve the wet cold hand ;) I remember this was one of my great lessons in production. I used to say all the time, “there are a million ways to do one thing, none of them being the right way,” Of course secretly thinking my way was the right way, the most efficient way and the most cost effective way but I had to be patient so that others around me could feel empowered and not micromanaged as I had been so many times in my life. Which I know, from personal experience, creates fear and insecurity and then you end up with a bunch of scared people who cant think for themselves anymore or just give up and do it for the money and go home and bitch about their jobs. I’ve been in that place. That place of being scared, not wanting to do something fearing someone will think I did it wrong, re-do my work and in turn, I stopped thinking for myself and just become a drone when I worked for that person. So when I became a producer and had a crew I vowed never to treat anyone poorly like I had been in the past. Same rules apply in relationships. It’s just easier to do it with co-workers. You don’t have to live with them or have a personal attachment to how they do things because your not thinking in the FOREVER terms with them like you are with your partner.

So Tim’s way may not make sense to me, may never make sense to me and may never be the way I would do things but that does not mean I have to do anything about it or manipulate it into making it into my way. It’s my lesson. To remember not to take it personally and to constantly take a deep breath, count to 10, think about my words, then speak. The wet hand on the forehead..I want to take personally. I want to, and did. I bitched at him that IM not the one that wants the cold wet hand on my forehead, that is what HE wants and he needs to KNOW what I want. Granted...I need to tell him in a loving way what my needs are but I don’t need to get pissed off at him that he does not know what I like and do not like or that he forgets what I like and do not like. That’s just who he is and I love him for who he is and thank GOD he is not like me otherwise it would be a house hold of nervous worrying neurotic energy tweaking everything constantly and trying to make it the way I want it, which is of course perfect.

I apologized to him for being a biznatch this morning. He just gave me a big hug, held me for a moment and kissed the top of my head and said, “I love my little grumparilla in the morning.” and left for work. That is the beauty of Tim. He lets everything role off him and doesn't take anything personally or even think about it. He hangs onto nothing. He is this natural yogi. Pretty much at peace, content and happy with everything. He’s not bothered by much and over thinks nothing. He’s my exact opposite and more like the person I have been trying to become and hope to be some day. It’s why I do and have done all this yoga, meditation and therapy over the years. Just to be at peace and be happy with what is...in this moment.

Another lesson, and one I know, but have to put into practice over and over and over again and do it until it becomes a part of me. And probably relearn it over and over again.

“They” do say...a relationship is your best practice and where you learn the most about yourself.