Next on the list??

I found a macrobiotic school that is perfect!!! It’s only 1.5 hours away from where we live and I could totally pull it off. I’ve been wanting to go to macro school for so long and trying so hard to make it happen...so..maybe this is my next adventure?? Check it out if you feel so inclined: http://www.macroschool.co.uk/images/docs/m1209-1wordcds.pdf

Anyway...something to think about. It starts in December so if I can stay here then that is what I would like to do. WHICH would mean..I would have the following under my belt: Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Guided Imagery Practitioner, Certified Kundalini Yoga Teacher and next on the list???? Macrobiotic Cook and Health Advisor. Good lord. I’ve seriously been searching for a while now. I guess the one common theme, and the one I sort of got away from when I was at Apple is that I want to do something to help other people heal. From whatever. I know it’s part of what Im suppose to do but I’ve lost touch with it over the last couple of years and maybe this, combined with my yoga practice will bring me closer to what I want to do. Because no matter what....I constantly feel like Im missing something. And Im not sure what it is. But I always think Im suppose to be in the healing world in some way. Macrobiotics heals everything from weight loss to cancer to diabetics to keeping you young and the list seriously goes on and on. Your better off changing your diet then taking medication or going to the doctor. Im a wishie washie washer at the moment but if anything feels right this does. Okay..off to the Cafe to help them put a vegan option on the menu!! Which I call success in a small English village!!!

The hypocrisy of my belief systems

I think my blog is becoming pathetic and boring. Either that or Im just bored with myself and all this worrying I am doing so going to try not to write about it (as much) as I think it’s just fueling the worry fire. Besides, Im wasting all my stress free time off worrying about what Im suppose to do with my life, where the money is going to come from, what happens if we have a baby and there is no money, and on and on and on......blaaaaa. And Tim just looks at me and says, “why are you worried? We will be just fine.” And I want to strangle him because he does not worry about anything. EVER. It’s like he had that part of his brain surgically removed. Which is an operation I would like to be performed on me.

Im also changing the way it looks. Those little circles were starting to bug me.

Okay...not writing about that anymore.

Good news is I am still a non smoker. I have not given you the updates on that. It’s been alot easier than I thought it would be. I see someone light a cigarette in a movie and it triggers me wanting a cigarette then it passes. Im so so so oooooo happy to be one of the non smokers walking the planet again. I don’t even know how long it’s been. Just looked it up...almost 6 weeks. Damn..seems like a lot longer. Either way...Im not going back. I can never say never to anything so for now...just not a smoker anymore...for hopefully a very long time, like my entire life.

Im feeling pretty homesick still. For my friends but also for my country. I miss the familiar things, like driving on the right side of the road, the green road signs, the look of american money, american accents. I miss San Francisco, walking down Divisidaro Street, going to the Farmers market, I miss my ashram and my yoga teachers. I remember what it was like when I left Los Angeles though. I left some amazing friends and a city that I absolutely was in love with. I was homesick for 2 years. I even hated San Francisco. How anyone could hate it I do not know but I hated it and the people in it. I thought everything was a bore and there was nothing exciting to do there and all I wanted to do was go back to Los Angeles. Then about a year and a half ago I feel in love with it, the people there, I made amazing friends and finally let go of LA. So....I know it’s normal. Especially being in a totally different country where nothing is familiar. And I know I need to give it some time. And Im not saying we wont move back to San Francisco. Depending on what happens with immigration, I may very well be sleeping on all of your couches for a few months come January.

On that note...aaahhhh emmm....the only way I can stay here is if Tim and I get married. It’s really the only way we can stay together regardless if we stay here or move back to California. Which I feel is completely insane honestly. We love each other, we do not want to be separated. Im not a huge believer in marriage only because my success rate for this type of thing has not been so good. If I had the choice, I don’t think I would ever get married again. But then again, it’s not my choice now is it? Evidently..it’s the governments. And Im not even really angry about it. More than anything I find it interesting that for me to be with the man that I love who is not American, I have to marry him. Interesting right? I mean, we could make it work but the sacrifice would be great. I would have to get a job I do not want and get sponsored here or he would have to do the same there and it would be hard and expensive. So for me to be with the man Im suppose to be with I have to get married. Fine. So....we filed all the paperwork and immigration received it yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, there is a part of me that loves the ritual and institution of marriage. I want to be with one person for my life. I want that person to be Tim. I love the idea of a ring on my finger, until I actually get it on my finger then I start to freak out. Tim feels the same way. He does not even want a ring. But then again he wants me to wear a ring and I sort of want him to wear one. Ahhhh...the hypocrisy of my belief systems. It never ceases to amuse and amaze me. So...we should find out in a couple of weeks if they say yes to our pleas for marriage. I’ll let you all know what happens. Fingers crossed. Third time is a charm right!!

Being in my moment

Not much to say today. I had a long ichat with a friend of mine from San Francisco today and just put my mind at peace about where Im at. I worry so much about my financial future so think I need to start planning my life and what Im going to do to make money. Always thinking my only option is to go back to the Advertising world. Though I look around me, in this village, and see people all around me doing just fine following their hearts. They may not be making 6 figures (which is not even that much money anymore) but they are so happy to be doing what they are doing. And if your happy in corporate america then you are blessed. I wish I was but I was not so needed to find another way. I know what I cant do anymore. I just don't know what I CAN do anymore. Or what I WANT to do anymore. I don't know if I want to cook for a living. I love cooking but not really sure I want to do it for anyone else other than my friends and family. I love writing but not sure it's going anywhere other than this blog and in my journal. I love working at the Cafe but not sure I want it to go any further than where it's at right now. I love yoga but have got away from my practice. Im honestly not sure about anything right now other than Tim. Which is a blessing. Which is what I have wanted for so long. I have wanted this relationship for so long and now I have it. I might as well enjoy it for a second rather than just check it off the list and start worrying about something else. I was obsessed about finding the right relationship for so long. Now that I have it Im like, "okay, got it..what's next on the list of things to check off?? My life's passion, right, figure that out RIGHT now." So maybe I can just enjoy where Im at today and let the rest come to me as it will.

So today..I have decided to just stay in my moment and ask myself how I am doing right now? The answer is I am at peace in this moment. I have a beautiful relationship, I got to talk to my friend for an hour that I miss so much, I got up at 6am, made Tim breakfast and lunch then baked my first loaf of macrobiotic bread (which totally sucks by the way but looks really good :), and all I have to do today is go to the post office and mail off some paperwork to immigration, bike to the Cafe and hang out in the kitchen with my new friend Vicki, gossip and make 52 jars of Apple Chutney all night. Seriously....it's pretty much my perfect day.

So what is the problem? There is no problem. Not in this moment anyway. Give me a minute...Im sure I'll think of something....

A constant lesson

Im continuing to find out so many things about myself. I know..it’s life’s journey. If we knew everything about ourselves and the world around us then what is the point. It would be a bore. You think you know everything and then you stop growing. So...surrender to the learning process, whatever it is and just go with it. UG!!! So hard!

I decided yesterday, after using an entire bottle of olive oil in like a week that I needed to get back on my macrobiotic cooking and stop being such a lazy vegetarian. I can’t even call myself a vegan anymore. I love milk in my coffee and cheese with my wine. Whatever..I probably always will like and allow myself all that stuff but if I cook with one more ounce of olive oil anytime soon Im going to barf.

Anyway....the point. A piece of paper fell out of one of my macrobiotic books that has not been cracked open for about a year and it said exactly what I needed to read as I have been FREAKING out about what Im suppose to do with my life. I wrote it down over a year ago. Back in the days when I used to meditate and do yoga. I got this out of a meditation and it reads, “Be patient and calm and allow my life to happen naturally. Allow the universal wisdom in and take it’s guidance.”

So....what have I learned from that? A few things.

1. Be patient. I keep putting myself on this time clock. I have 6 months (well...now like 3.5 months) to figure out what I want to do with this next half of my life and if I do not figure it out by January then I obviously have to go back to Apple. First of all, I have no idea WHY Im putting this limitation on myself. Totally out of fear. Fear I will not have enough money, fear that the whole visa thing will not work out and I will have to move back to America and get a corporate job. None of that is true. It’s all just me living in pessimism and fear and has nothing to do with reality. I have no idea what is going to happen. And if I need proof of anything one thing I do know is that regardless of what is happening in my life I am always taken care of and always land on my feet. Another favorite quote of mine is, “chose love not fear in every situation.” So going to try to use that one from now on. Try being the key word in that sentence.

1. Be calm. Right. And how can I do that? Number one, not listen to the freaked out voices in my head. And how do I quiet those? With everything I know and used to do. I have an arsenal of things I have learned over the years and have not been using any of them. So how about with yoga, with meditation. So...less olive oil, more yoga and meditation.

1. Allow my life to happen naturally. A friend of mine put it best to me at the beginning of this journey. “Just live and life will happen to you”. I love that.

So...Im going to try to just breathe deep. If I love something Im going to do it. Have faith. Listen to my body rather than my mind. My mind will race 1000 miles an hour and can sometimes be my worst enemy. I know when things are right and wrong by what my body is telling me. If Im physically comfortable, then it’s a yes. If Im uncomfortable, anywhere in my body, then I need to sit with it and find out what the problem is and listen to my body. For me that is where the universal wisdom comes in. It flows through our bodies and we have to listen to it. It comes in our intuition which is felt in our bodies and it’s constantly communicating with us if we listen and allow ourselves to feel.

I think about how long ago my panic attacks started and realize they were trying to tell me to slow down. To stop for a moment and think about what I was doing and see if this was right for me. I think about how fast my heart used to beat at Apple. How I would have to go in the bathroom stalls and cry because of the stress and then I finally just became numb. My body is alot happier and if Im patient, it will lead me to where Im suppose to go. As long as I stay open to it.

Clueless

How do we know what is true? What is reality? Why does it matter? Im reading the first pages of Richard Dawkins, The Greatest Show on Earth, and I already don’t know if I can handle the anger that is being spewed in the first few pages. Though Im interested in what he has to say so I will continue to read it. It’s all about Evolution and it’s a nice break from the, Hundred Years of Solitude, Im also reading. That one is wrapped in fantasy, ungrounded, and full of dreams blended with reality. Id rather life in a world where I choose what is real. Like Gabriel Garcia Marquez does in his Hundred Years of Solitude. I just wonder if in the end it really matters?

I think that is why I never enjoyed school. Listening to someone else’s theories on life (which is just how I saw it though none of it I believed or made any sense to me so I just stopped paying attention). I wanted to create my own belief system. Live my own life with the ability to know, based just on my “knowing”, what was right and wrong for me (granted...probably not making the wisest of choices on many occasions, but either way at some point always learning from them). I remember one day talking to my brother who put it simply, “I have no idea what happens after this life but Im just here, every day, trying to be the best and nicest person I can be.” Sounds like a good plan for life. Then again, does even that matter? If God is all forgiving we are all going to the same place anyway. Then again I don’t believe in heaven or hell but if there is and God is all forgiving that means even if you are a murder then we are all going to the same place anyway. That is saying if you believe God exists. Which even THAT does not matter. Because if he does exist he does not care either way. He’s got nothing to prove for God sake..he’s God. So does that mean nothing matters? So why even bother? Why not then just live in our moments, experience whatever we choose and stop making such a big deal out of it all. If you choose to be good, be good. If that’s what makes you happy. I know that is what makes me feel good. Im happier when Im healthy, eating right, doing good things for my self and for other people. Im happier believing in God, in the wisdom of the universe, in angels, but only because I find it more interesting. Not that I think anyone else should believe or I even care what anyone else believes. It does not matter to me nor do I want to push what I believe down anyone else's throats. If I read something that someone else writes and it makes me feel good then so be it. Either way....I know Im not happy when Im not healthy...mentally or physically. So..I just do my best.

Yet I continue to read. I have books all over the place. Half our apartment is full of books and I got rid of at least 100 of them when I moved to England. Im surrounded by them and I love them and find comfort in them like my old childhood teddy. I read to entertain myself. I believe what I choose to believe weather or not it makes any sense to anyone else or even myself. Based yet again on pure intuition and also what is fun to believe. Id rather believe that in 2012 the earth’s planets will align and the world access will shift and they are doing so slowly at the moment and there is this unproven, but felt by some, shift that is happening in the world right now because we are feeling the effects of the earths changes. Because we are connected to all that is. Even though there is no proof. That shift is silently, quietly, gently (not not so gently for some) It’s why you and I know so many people who are changing their lives and having a hard time at the moment because what we used to do no longer makes any sense to us and is making us miserable. Sound crazy? Maybe but it’s what I choose to believe.

I choose to believe that there are angles surrounding me gently guiding me but I have no proof. I choose to believe in flying carpets and fairy’s and vampires and things that go bump in the night because it’s more entertaining to me. Not because Im crazy...or I even want to run into a vampire at midnight by myself walking in a dark corner. It’s just more interesting to me.

And I love the theory of evolution so I read it. I just wish everyone did not have to go on a rant to prove a point (then again...I do believe Im on a rant at the moment :). Maybe it will get better. Maybe not but it will be interesting. And again, on my death bed...will it even matter? Probably not. What am I going to wish that I had done with my life? I really don’t know. Im CLUELESS!!! At the moment Im just going to enjoy my day in bed, in pain from cramps, reading all my books and trying not feel guilt for anything for a moment (guilt for not getting up and cleaning the house, getting in the shower, making the bed, leaving the bedroom, guilt for just sitting here and reading all day). Why is that so bad and why do I think there is something else I think I should be doing when this is all I want to do today? I know one thing...Im going to wish I did not feel so much guilt and worry in my life at the end.

Okay..I’m officially exhausted :)

Comments

Okay...so Im a total technology nob. I think I had comments disabled. So...please comment if you like. I would love to hear your comments. Either that or no one is reading this.....hich is totally fine too ;) xoxo