Purgatory

I realized last night why I’ve been so full of anxiety lately. My anxiety has been so bad lately that the other night I just laid in bed, eye’s wide open and concentrated on my breath while I felt my heart about to fly out of my body and my stomach in such a knot I thought it would never untangle again. I kept thinking to myself why? I have no stress in my life. What is my problem? Why cant I just enjoy my life? Why do I have to make everything so hard on myself? Why do I continue to worry about everything?

Then I had a dream last night and woke up, started to tell Tim about my dream and then it hit me.

My dream was this: I was at this convention with my friend Shayla ( yes you Shayla Miller :) and in the dream we both had the same job but all the spiritual leaders and advisors and wise people at this convention were all surrounding Shayla. They were telling her all these secrets and giving her all this amazing information that I wanted to know and hear but they did not see me. I realized that she was the shinning light I wanted to be, that I used to be, but that Im not anymore. Then, of course, because it’s a dream, we for some reason needed to escape this place and Shayla new the escape route. We had to slide around this huge cliff and make our way up to the top then dive down the cliff. I was following her as she effortlessly moved her body around the cliff’s while I was slipping and scared behind her. We got to the top and she disappeared into the water. I saw that she had dove into the water at a place that was not such a steep jump. I got scared. I saw her feet swimming away then all of a sudden the water dropped and I found myself standing at the top of a cliff that was thousands of feet high and if I dove I would die, and if I stayed I would die. I thought I might be able to dive it because I used to cliff dive as kid and knew how to hit the water. In my head and heart I knew I could make it but I was to scared so I just stayed there and new that I was going to die. Next thing I know I pass out and fall into the water. I remember being unconscious floating in the bottom of the ocean and thinking to myself, “NO!!! I don’t want to give up! I want to live and I want to live the life I intended to live!” Then I woke up.

What I got from it is this: that I have been living in sort of a purgatory since I moved to England. My intentions when I left Apple were to check back in with myself. Check back in with my soul, my spirit, the one that I have been ignoring for about 2 years now except when I have a lame attempt at yoga on occasion and even then it’s become superficial. I think my anxiety attacks that I have been having the last couple of weeks have been about not doing anything that I set out to do when I moved here. Granted, this all takes time. We are all different. I thought I was going to be like that Eat, Prey, Love woman and decide that this is my goal and it’s going to start the second I land in England. Easy.....

What I had not counted on was my extreme homesickness, how much I miss my friends, the effects of living without the energy of the city, the silence, no adrenaline which I was on such a high from for years because of my job, the change and how different it is here and how different the people are here. So...it’s all taken some getting used to and now Im comfortable but I have not let go of my old home yet. And I need to let go to start again. Because I have not been letting go I have been in this sort of purgatory. What do I want to do? Do I want to be here or there? Do I want to go back to the life I know? Make a bunch of money, get a fat flat in London, shop when I want to, eat where I want to? Move to London and recreate my life all over again just like I had in in San Francisco? Tempting for sure but I would end up just like I did in SF after the change of a new city just became normal again. I would get that empty feeling I had before I left SF. It’s what they call in a 12 step program _________. Blank. I can never remember the official name for what I have done my whole life. Move to a new place in hopes that things will change but your just bringing your same ole shit with you rather than deal with your shit where you are. Help me out someone, what is this word? I have a mental block on it since it’s what I’ve one my whole life. Talk about denial! Anyway...that feeling that has been gnawing at my soul for years now that Im suppose to do something different. Im suppose to do something to help people heal. That I know in my heart that Im a healer but to actually do something about that is sacrifice, it’s work, it’s HARD work. it means yoga every day, it means meditation every day. It means staying away from alcohol most days and it means letting go of a life that I love. Not saying I have to let go of it. I love it and it will always be a part of me, but it cant be all of me. Which it’s become. Im sure I can find a happy medium. I know I can. But for me to get out of this purgatory, I’ve got to make a decision and commit to it.

Do I spend the rest of my savings and go to macrobiotic cooking school, be broke for a while, live simply until I can get my business off the ground, which let’s be honest will take at least 2 years. That means staying in England for the next couple of years, staying where we are (but moving to a bigger flat) as Tim will need to support us and his work is taking off here. And committing to yoga every day, eating right, becoming a vegan again, getting in touch with my soul again. That is the hard part. But it’s also when I have been the happiest. It’s different than the instant gratification fixes I get from my crazed life. It’s sustainable and it’s where I like to be.

So...I need to sit on a few things but I think my mind is made up. I keep saying that this whole immigration thing is hindering me from making a decision but it’s me who is holding me back (as always).

And why not try something new? If all goes to shit I can always go back to my 9-5 job and get a great one at that. Even if I am away from it for a while. More than anything it’s letting go of moving back go San Francisco in the immediate future. But I can visit anytime I want and who knows..once Im a great macro chef and into my yoga we can move to SF and I can start my career there.

So....that is that. And thanks Shayla for always being that bright shinning spirit walking on this planet. You were a good guide for me in my dream last night and it made me totally miss you!!