Thanksgiving and the end of the blog

Well..it's Thanksgiving today and it SURE does not feel like it. I miss that warm fuzzy feeling I get on Thanksgiving, knowing everyone has the day off work, that we are all traveling to our families house to eat to much food. Im usually just getting off a plane, headed to this great co-op in Minneapolis to pick up some vegan food for myself and then off to embarrass myself in front of my entire meat eating, hunting family with my ridiculous food. So feeling a little sad and alone that Im the only person in this entire country (except the other Americans living here that I do not know of course) that knows it's Thanksgiving and missing my friends and family alot today.

The good news is...I get to spend the entire day today cooking a vegan Thanksgiving. My friends here are so special and are celebrating with me tomorrow night. Tim's sister and her fiance are even going to be here so I get to be with family as well as friends. So in a way..Im sort of being a huge baby. I've been here 5 months and I already have amazing people in my life. So..that is something to be thankful for today. Along with this amazing adventure that I am on, a loving boyfriend and great friends.

Lots to do. Im cooking so much food I want to already kill myself so I should get started.

The end means that Im not going to blog anymore. I have been having a hard time keeping up with it and so think it's time to call it quits and just keep up with you all on an individual basis.

It's been so fun and a great learning for me to do this.

Miss you all and keep in touch!!

You all know my email but just in case..there are two:

beckrich@me.com

hilarybartos@hotmail.com

Love you!

Hilary

Sick

Not much going on over here the last few days. I've been so sick since Saturday. I do remember getting this exact same thing last year and the year before. Maybe it's just my body's way of going from one season to the next. By constantly coughing, loosing my voice, fever and absolutely no energy but yet at the same time feel just well enough to do something until Im mid way through it then want to die. It's been super fun. So..needless to say I've got myself addicted to yet another TV show. This time it's Gossip Girl and I seem to have plowed through all of Season 1 and am debating if I should download season 2. I get so addicted it's all I want to do and it makes my brain absolute mush. So Im going to attempt to resist but last night I did lie in bed while Tim was asleep and watch the first episode of season 2 and cant stop thinking about it. Im getting sweaty palms at the thought of actually downloading it. Addiction?? I think so. I don't think there is a thing on this planet that I can actually NOT get addicted to. It's pretty amazing.

Good news is I looked into the macrobiotic school and have made a decision to go there. Check it out if you feel like it. http://www.macroschool.co.uk/ It's a pretty amazing place and so perfect for me right now. I would start in December and it goes through July. My only concern is that if anything gets messed up with immigration then I can't come back for 6 months. I have a conversation with the school tomorrow so I will see what they can do for me. But I have a good feeling about all of it. Even though we have not heard back from immigration Im going to move forward with my life knowing I can stay here otherwise I think I will go insane. I need to have some sort of a plan. I realize Im not good with out one. Im calling a "plan" now an "intention" so that I don't trap myself or freak if is does not work out. Anyway....I am super excited. This school is beautiful and exactly what I need for myself at this time in my life. I need something to be passionate about again. It scares me when I don't have that.

Okay..going back to my coughing fit.

xox

Purgatory

I realized last night why I’ve been so full of anxiety lately. My anxiety has been so bad lately that the other night I just laid in bed, eye’s wide open and concentrated on my breath while I felt my heart about to fly out of my body and my stomach in such a knot I thought it would never untangle again. I kept thinking to myself why? I have no stress in my life. What is my problem? Why cant I just enjoy my life? Why do I have to make everything so hard on myself? Why do I continue to worry about everything?

Then I had a dream last night and woke up, started to tell Tim about my dream and then it hit me.

My dream was this: I was at this convention with my friend Shayla ( yes you Shayla Miller :) and in the dream we both had the same job but all the spiritual leaders and advisors and wise people at this convention were all surrounding Shayla. They were telling her all these secrets and giving her all this amazing information that I wanted to know and hear but they did not see me. I realized that she was the shinning light I wanted to be, that I used to be, but that Im not anymore. Then, of course, because it’s a dream, we for some reason needed to escape this place and Shayla new the escape route. We had to slide around this huge cliff and make our way up to the top then dive down the cliff. I was following her as she effortlessly moved her body around the cliff’s while I was slipping and scared behind her. We got to the top and she disappeared into the water. I saw that she had dove into the water at a place that was not such a steep jump. I got scared. I saw her feet swimming away then all of a sudden the water dropped and I found myself standing at the top of a cliff that was thousands of feet high and if I dove I would die, and if I stayed I would die. I thought I might be able to dive it because I used to cliff dive as kid and knew how to hit the water. In my head and heart I knew I could make it but I was to scared so I just stayed there and new that I was going to die. Next thing I know I pass out and fall into the water. I remember being unconscious floating in the bottom of the ocean and thinking to myself, “NO!!! I don’t want to give up! I want to live and I want to live the life I intended to live!” Then I woke up.

What I got from it is this: that I have been living in sort of a purgatory since I moved to England. My intentions when I left Apple were to check back in with myself. Check back in with my soul, my spirit, the one that I have been ignoring for about 2 years now except when I have a lame attempt at yoga on occasion and even then it’s become superficial. I think my anxiety attacks that I have been having the last couple of weeks have been about not doing anything that I set out to do when I moved here. Granted, this all takes time. We are all different. I thought I was going to be like that Eat, Prey, Love woman and decide that this is my goal and it’s going to start the second I land in England. Easy.....

What I had not counted on was my extreme homesickness, how much I miss my friends, the effects of living without the energy of the city, the silence, no adrenaline which I was on such a high from for years because of my job, the change and how different it is here and how different the people are here. So...it’s all taken some getting used to and now Im comfortable but I have not let go of my old home yet. And I need to let go to start again. Because I have not been letting go I have been in this sort of purgatory. What do I want to do? Do I want to be here or there? Do I want to go back to the life I know? Make a bunch of money, get a fat flat in London, shop when I want to, eat where I want to? Move to London and recreate my life all over again just like I had in in San Francisco? Tempting for sure but I would end up just like I did in SF after the change of a new city just became normal again. I would get that empty feeling I had before I left SF. It’s what they call in a 12 step program _________. Blank. I can never remember the official name for what I have done my whole life. Move to a new place in hopes that things will change but your just bringing your same ole shit with you rather than deal with your shit where you are. Help me out someone, what is this word? I have a mental block on it since it’s what I’ve one my whole life. Talk about denial! Anyway...that feeling that has been gnawing at my soul for years now that Im suppose to do something different. Im suppose to do something to help people heal. That I know in my heart that Im a healer but to actually do something about that is sacrifice, it’s work, it’s HARD work. it means yoga every day, it means meditation every day. It means staying away from alcohol most days and it means letting go of a life that I love. Not saying I have to let go of it. I love it and it will always be a part of me, but it cant be all of me. Which it’s become. Im sure I can find a happy medium. I know I can. But for me to get out of this purgatory, I’ve got to make a decision and commit to it.

Do I spend the rest of my savings and go to macrobiotic cooking school, be broke for a while, live simply until I can get my business off the ground, which let’s be honest will take at least 2 years. That means staying in England for the next couple of years, staying where we are (but moving to a bigger flat) as Tim will need to support us and his work is taking off here. And committing to yoga every day, eating right, becoming a vegan again, getting in touch with my soul again. That is the hard part. But it’s also when I have been the happiest. It’s different than the instant gratification fixes I get from my crazed life. It’s sustainable and it’s where I like to be.

So...I need to sit on a few things but I think my mind is made up. I keep saying that this whole immigration thing is hindering me from making a decision but it’s me who is holding me back (as always).

And why not try something new? If all goes to shit I can always go back to my 9-5 job and get a great one at that. Even if I am away from it for a while. More than anything it’s letting go of moving back go San Francisco in the immediate future. But I can visit anytime I want and who knows..once Im a great macro chef and into my yoga we can move to SF and I can start my career there.

So....that is that. And thanks Shayla for always being that bright shinning spirit walking on this planet. You were a good guide for me in my dream last night and it made me totally miss you!!

London

I was in London this weekend visiting my friend Lauren and got home pretty convinced we needed to move to London. I love that city! Lauren brought me to Portobello Road where there are thousands of vendors set up on Sautrdays and the streets are like New York they are so packed, we went to Notting Hill and bought little food stuff in cute jars for too much money, we went to Camden and ate outside infront of the water and sat on scooters (see pic ;) and then Harriet took us to Liam Gallagher's launch party for his new clothing line. That was pretty ridiculous and you know I loved it. Then we ended the weekend all at Harriet's with our other friend Kate drinking Prosecco and smoking cigarettes. Loved it loved it loved it!!

I sat in that little circle of girls, the four of us, all talking at once and laughing and just adoring one another and realized that I am dying without my girlfriends around me. There is something so important about having my girlfriends around me. They give me life and energy and love and support and keep my head on straight. I honestly think its one of the reasons that I've been going a little mad since I moved here. That and what I have mentioned before..I need the energy of lots of people around me, the energy of a city and my friends at arms length otherwise I start to go a little batty.

Anyway....

Tim picked me up at the bus station and I had my whole plan about moving to London. How I could go back to corporate work and make enough money for us both to live in London and ya da ya de ya.... He figured that I had conjured up a new game plan and was all ears and always open and patient with me...as usual. Good LORD I love this man I really do. He said he is willing to move there, he's basically willing to move anywhere. He's like me like that and always up for an adventure.

Then I got home, settled down and Tim and I got up the next morning and took a walk in our village. The mist was rolling over the hills, the birds, the cows and sheep, the ducks and colors of autumn all around us and the beauty of living in a small village and I realize I love it here too. I also love Tim so so much. I know we can be anywhere and be happy. I also realize that I think we will be. I don't think either of us is ready to settle down anytime soon. Maybe we will move to Bristol next and I will go to macrobiotic school, maybe I'll get a fab job in London and we will move there, or maybe we will stay in a small village. I don't know yet. I do know that something will change soon though. Immigration has had our paper work for 7 weeks now and so hopefully we will hear back from them soon.

As you all know by know Tim and I are engaged. Got to love Facebook for that one. He was super sweet and romantic. He got down on both knees and asked me to marry him. He had my ring in his Grandmother's old wedding ring box. So it's official...were getting married. Regardless of what immigration says in the next couple of weeks we will find a way!

And the holidays are coming and I can't wait to come home! Just 7 weeks away!!

The No Plan Plan MAN

Im starting to figure some things out. Mostly what I don’t want but it’s a start. Here is my list so far:

What I don’t want

To run a cafe

To work in the restaurant business

To cook for large groups of people

To be a full time yoga teacher

What stresses me out

Not having a plan

Not having money

What I do want

A baby if I can have one. Otherwise lots of dogs and cats and bunnies

A loving husband and healthy relationship (check)

My friends around me

Time

A big flat

To live in a city (still on the fence with that one but I really miss living in a city)

To cook for small amounts of people, maybe just my friends and family or maybe personal chef???

To teach yoga once a week..I miss teaching alot

What I have realized

As much as I love San Francisco Im not ready to go back yet. There is still so much to do and see and experience here.

That I probably will want to move back to SF some day..like in a year and realize that it will be there for me as will my friends

That going back to corporate is not off the plate and to keep an open mind

That going to cooking school and taking the next year to be in England might be a good plan

So.....what does all this mean? I have no clue. We spent the weekend with our friends Steve and Rachel. Steve is sort of in the same place as I am and he said, “well...at least your figuring out what you don’t want to do.” And I thought right...that is so true. He’s this huge marketing wiz and left his job about a year ago. He and I started talking about marketing and advertising and I started telling him about the localization on iPhone and I got all this energy as I was talking about it. I was telling him about this job that I saw in London to project manage localization for Trip Advisor and I was getting all this energy just thinking about it. I got home and realized, shit...I hope I did not come all this way, take this time off only to realize that I really like the corporate life. Ahh well..If that is the case then so be it. I just had a fantasy I was a little more creative than that but maybe Im just not. My friend Alan, who used to sit next to me at Apple used to joke about all of us. “We all think were so creative but really were just as business and corporate as everyone else in corporate america, we just like to think were different because we work in advertising.....but were not.” I just looked at him and said, “shit Alan, your right.”

Im also realizing that my mind and my thoughts dictate my reality. I have read this a GA ZILLION times but I am really getting it now. When I do not stress Im loving my life here. When I stress I see the worst in it. I look back at my job at Apple. Which don’t get me wrong, I could never go back to that sort of stress, but honestly, most of it was me just freaking out so much, had I not been such a freak I might have not been full of so much anxiety when I was there. Either way I had to leave but now that Im away from it I am realizing that maybe the corporate life is for me, just not working so many hours or taking it so seriously. If I could look at it different maybe I would be okay in it? Who knows. That is not my answer yet either. Freelancing would be perfect for me honestly. Dip my little toe in a project for a few months then take time off. That is ideal. So...we will see. Still taking the next couple of months off and not making any major decisions about anything. I just like to talk through what is on my mind. It may very well change tomorrow.

We had a great weekend. We were in Malvern England this weekend. Steve and Rachel just moved there for Rachel’s job. This town is amazing. It is where they film some of Harry Potter (see attached building. In there is the great hall where they all eat...for all you Harry Potter geeks - yes Im including myself in that category) and it also inspired C.S Lewis when writing Narnia. It’s seriously a magical place. You can feel it when you drive into it. Not only is is breathtaking it just carries a certain energy about it that you can feel. Magic and mystery and history. I loved it. They cooked us a great Halloween dinner and we carved pumpkins. They took us all on a hike the next day. When we got to the top of the mountain (Steve was calling it a hill but it was a flipping mountain) it was so windy you could lean into the wind. It was stormy and cloudy and in full autumn and it was amazing. We then of course headed to the pub for our reward of a pint and some crap pub food.

So...life is not so bad. Im starting to let go and enjoy myself here. Im not sure about much else. Im not sure if I should go to cooking school or not. Not sure if that is just me reaching or if Im really that interested. It might be a great way for me prolong not working and give me a great project and a great gift for life. Time will tell and I can feel a plan beginning to formulate....phew....AND...we get to go home in 1.5 months!!! I cant wait! I think that is helping me too and the fact that my hormones are getting back on track. It’s taken a long time to recover. It’s pretty amazing really. I could go into that but wont as this is already to long. Maybe next time ;) Ohhh that anticipation.

Okay...so the internet keeps kicking me off...ahhh..the pleasures of living in a village. So I can't post my pics. Will do later when I can stay connected for more than 5 seconds.....eeerrrggg...

The Chip Butty

I seem to be finally getting a life here. Or choosing to enjoy the life that I have rather than compare it to my life in San Francisco and then choose to not be happy because Im homesick.

I love my life here. It's amazing. I just went through a big wave of homesickness and sadness and I have to remember that will come and go. Anyway.... choosing to not get to deep and whiney and get you caught up on what I've been up too the last few days.

For one, I've weened myself off of Dexter. I am on Season 3, episode 6 so it took a while...but I finally did it.

On Friday nights our friends Vicki and Ben invite us to the Social Club in a village near by called Blagdon where they live. It's a place where all parents can bring their children to the pub on a Friday night from 6-8, drink pints for 2 pounds, and eat English fare (Ben and Vicki have 2 super cute little girls, 7 months and 2 years old). Last Friday I learned about these things called Chip Buttys (see attached). This consists of what we in America call French Fries jammed in between two pieces of white bread with some Ketchup or some Brown sauce. My friend Vicki calls this Britain on a plate and the brown sauce Britain in a bottle. Tim ordered it like it was a totally normal thing to do and when the plate of food arrived I looked at him and was like, "what in the hell is that?? It's just chips and white bread!" He was like, "yeah?" and then everyone at the table could not believe I did not know what this was like I was the crazy :). I tasted it and it was weird. Who knows..I thought beans on toast was completely repulsive when I first moved here and now I crave it. Anyway...the place is absolute chaos. Babies and kids up to about the age of 7 running around the pub like bananas while their parents casually socialize and bounce babies on their knees while drinking large pints of beer. Im pretty in love with this place and seems we have a new ritual on a Friday night. They have these great friends who are both cops. Tanya is a detective (just like Dexter's sister ;) and her husband Mark is on the team that busts graffiti artists. He knows every graffiti artist in England. I have not spoken to him much about his line of work and am DYING to but I have to ease my way into it as I guess he does not like to talk to much about it. His wife Tanya tells us about the cases she is working on. I love it. Oh..and for the record...I love graffiti art so hopefully he just busts the gang taggers but I will find out and get back to you.

I am so greatful to my friend Vicki. She's seriously saving my life out here. Always inviting me to things and introducing me to her friends and Tim and I are getting a nice social life. Tonight Tim and I are going over to their house and I am cooking them and our other new friends Steve and Rachel (who are Ben and Vicki's best friends) a Vegan dinner. I have these paraniod visions that Tim and I are this nightmare couple who want to be their new best friends and totally overstep our boundries and want to be with them all the time. So I try to be cool around them but really I want to kiss them all the time and tell them how much I love them for giving me a life here. Anyway...staying cool ;)

I've also included some other pic's. My favorite picture that Tim drew, a picture of a storm coming in over the Cafe the other day, a 15 pound bowl of crab apples that I made crab apple jelly out of (sort of unsuccessfully but it tastes good, it's just having a hard time acting like the jelly it's suppose to be and acting more like syrup) and a shot of our front yard with the apples falling off the tree near the small bridge.

AND lastly..Tim and I went to our first Kundalini yoga class last night in Bristol. Got to say..NOT the best class in the world and it's held in a cub scout lodge with bright lights in a basement by a guy who's website is called The Sleeping Serpent (gag). BUT....all that aside, it was a nice class and the only one it a 200 mile radius so Im not going to complain. It was just nice to take a class, he was not smarmy like I thought he would be and we will go back. Might even inspire me to be courageous enough to start my own class in Wrington. We shall see......

The Spa fixes everything

Tim came home early from work yesterday to fix my mini melt down. I was having a full on anxiety attack at that point. My mind had gotten the best of me all day as I freaked out about living in a small village and feeling trapped and..bla bla bla..you have heard it all before...like yesterday. So to make me feel better, he brought me here (see attached).

It's amazing, this place. The spa is in Bath, where the Roman Baths were. The city was founded in 50 BC by the Romans based on the healing mineral springs and opened up a bunch of public baths back then. So as your sitting outside (at twilight :) in the mineral springs, the same mineral springs that the Romans used back then, you get to look at this ancient city, outside, and float around in the water, or use the steam rooms or the indoor pool. There is a cafe there and you go in your bathrobes and towels. So we did....and ate a nice dinner (with a bunch of other people in bathrobes...it was super weird but I liked it) and of course I had a large glass of red wine to even further chill me out.

Anyway..I realized once again what a bore of a baby I am. I mean seriously. Im having an amazing adventure here and I forget it all the time and focus on the bad rather than the good.

The country side is truly amazing right now. The autumn is here and the leaves are changing to these bright red's and oranges (I'll take some pics and post them) and I have a beautiful life and an amazing beautiful man.