Time

Time..it can be an angel or a devil depending on your mind set.

I guess it will take some time for me to slow down. I just realized how fast I was going this afternoon for no reason. I wake up to a tight stomach and the heavy burden that there is something, a million things that I must be doing right now and they all need to happen right now.

I guess it’s years of production and not slowing down and now...I have no idea how to. Im beginning to think it’s a part of my genetic make up. Yesterday I was in bed writing most of the morning, got up, dyed my hair and started on dinner. So really I did not do much of anything but the entire day that FEELING..that tightness in my stomach was there, getting tighter and tighter so I just forced myself to relax, to say in bed, to write and to just lye there and feel it. It didn’t go away. I woke up with it again today and started working on the list of things in my head that I need to accomplish by the days end.

Then, as I was reading my macrobiotic cook books and making yummy macrobiotic vegan cornbread at the speed of light, I realized what is my rush? Why not breathe with every movement, go as slow as I can, relish everything Im putting into this cornbread, think about each ingredient, where it came from, what it will do to my body and Tim’s body when we eat it and put some calm and some love into this cornbread. And it’s working. I look at that cornbread on the counter cooling and it relaxes me. I ate a piece and it calmed my nerves. Which then reminded me that if you love whatever it is your doing and put love into it, it will be amazing and with food, it can be healing and healing to others.

I was watching this cooking show a while back. It was a show with this woman and her husband. They were from the south and were cooking everything I would NEVER. Eggs, buttermilk, more butter and than heavy cream with bacon and lard and bacon grease on top of biscuits and they were laughing, telling stories, loving one another while they were cooking it and I thought, I bet who ever eats that food is going to be IN LOVE by the time they finish. For me it’s macrobiotics but it can be anything, any food that you enjoy or it can be a job or a scarf your knitting for someone or whatever. If we do it with love, if we give ourselves time to think about it and enjoy it, we could heal the planet. If all that we consumed had the energy of calm, of serenity and of love...we would feel it. Anyway..off on a new age tangent.

But I was reminded of a few of things.

• I have been cooking macro / vegan full on for 2 days now and I already am starting to feel more grounded and forgot how much I truly LOVE to cook in this way so really need to make the macrobiotic school happen in December

• That I may just be a nervous person and as much as I try to fight it the worse it gets. Not sure how I can heal myself from that but Im going to try. Yoga, meditation and moving to small village in England is a start.
• Coffee is bad for me
• Do things slow and with thought and rushing is a waste of time.
• Embrace where I am, where my body is, love myself in this moment and stop trying to constantly tweak myself into this person I think Im suppose to be. I think Im suppose to be all macro and healed and healing the planet and calm and serene. I already am who Im suppose to be and doing exactly what Im suppose do be doing right now.

• Cherish where Im at right now as it will change.

• I dont need to give myself a project. I can just be for once.

So anyway...I’ve got the afternoon to do nothing. Im going to take a nap, eat some lunch, food shop on line and read my books. Attempt to enjoy it all on this grey English day and take it easy on myself.