A longie

There are bugs everywhere in this flat. I refuse to kill any of them as I wont even kill an ant but will let them gently out of the house if they are big and scare me. In every corner of this place there is a spider about to feed on what to him is a delicious meal,or a moth stuck to the side of a lamp curtain just waiting for me to turn the light on like a dog waiting for you to throw a bone. To me, killing a bug is like killing a cow, and killing a cow is the same as killing anything else so I just don’t kill anything. Unless of course, it’s by absolute mistake. Like when I suck up dead bugs with my hoover and accidently a live fly gets slaughtered in the process. I seriously want to open up the bag and let him out. I guess if I accidently sucked up a cow or cat into a hoover bag I might be inclined to let them out..so...there is a food chain in my mad process but still...I just try not to kill anything. Thus, loads of bugs in my house at the moment. Evidently all trying to survive the English autumn by taking refuge in our flat. I like to think of us as a “safe house” for all bugs. Any race, color or creed. All RIGHT then...enough of that before you think I’ve all lost my mind living in this small village.

So..I’ve been debating weather or not to write about this as it’s pretty personal but then again my blog is pretty personal and big part of the reason I write this blog is so that I do not internalize my thoughts and emotions and feelings like I tend to do. It’s an exercise for me in not worrying about what anyone else thinks, what is right or wrong and to just write. Thinking that this blog is meant for another purpose as it already has proven. It went from keeping in touch with my friends and telling my journeys to what it is today. It has opened me up even more than I already was and keeping me honest with my likes and dislikes, weaknesses and strengths, and most of all teaching me I truly don’t understand why myself or anyone cares if they are right or wrong? Seems like such a waste of time. Or to even care what anyone does with their lives. We are all just a witness to this life anyway so why not just be full of love and support and stay open rather than closed. Support rather than judge. Either way its a place for me to say fuck it. Who cares what I am like? Im sick of keeping it all in to make myself comfortable. Of doing the “right” thing, of not speaking my truth all the time and of just not being 100% myself. All of which I’ve had a problem with in the past and all of which Im so tired of. Im exhausted of the filter that I have always put on my mouth, which then leads to a filter on my mind and all of a sudden Im closed minded and think that if someone does not believe what I do, think like I do, behave like I behave then I need to what? Tell them how to do it? Not be their friend? Why? Because Im scared and close minded? Scared I might be wrong? Or doing life wrong? So..this is what my blog has morfed into. Me keeping myself honest and open and fearless. Even though it’s scary, its something Im walking through and trying to be fearless with. I once read, in one of my countless self help / spiritual / eastern philosophy books, “the more I learn I realize I know nothing.” I read that years ago and thought, “well then why in the hell am I reading this? I want to know SOMETHING!!” And now finally, years later understand the true freedom in realizing I know absolutely nothing, Im right about nothing and my views on life are strictly my own and would never preach them to anyone because Im sure they are not right. It’s absolute relief and absolute freedom to know that. I get to stay open and have no opinions on others lives and so I can enjoy everyone and all views on life without judgment. It’s so much for fun this way although alot more confusing and scary times....

So to the thing I was debating writing about and instead have been stalling and babbling....

I had a miscarriage on Friday. I only KNEW I was pregnant for about 2-3 days but was probably pregnant for about 2 weeks. It’s strange. In my head when I think about it my brain says abortion rather than miscarriage. I wonder why? Part of me thinks it might be my fault? I was wearing the nicotine patch every day, I was drinking wine, not to excess but was drinking, I drank coffee every morning. So did I abort my baby? Then I think well fuck that, Courtney Love shot heroin throughout her entire pregnancy and her kid is just fine, I know lots of women who drink and smoke through their entire pregnancy and they have healthy babies. Just look at the 70’s. Our Mothers were popping pills and smoking and breast feeding. Not saying I would do ANY of that but just saying that maybe....I did not kill my baby. On the day I really KNEW I was pregnant It hit me and there was just this intuitive feeling that I knew I was pregnant. Besides all the other signs, like my boobs were huge and sore, I was bloated like I’ve never been, I was tired, my brain was not working right, and I found myself for the last week every day at about 2pm standing over a cake counter in broad daylight devouring a large piece of non vegan chocolate cake like I had not eaten in a month. So the signs were there but it takes while for your brain to register. I kept thinking, “Im just off because Im not a vegan anymore, because I moved 3 months ago and left my friends, my financial security, my country and moved to a small village where I know absolutely no one except for my boyfriend who I have only known for 7 months.” So I was bound to be stressed out and my body was just reacting to the stress of change. I have never, in my 22 years of being sexually active, ever been pregnant so had no idea what it felt like.

I woke up on Friday and was spotting and decided I better take a pregnancy test just to confirm what I already knew. I got up, biked to the pharmacy and took the test. Which said not pregnant. Then my spotting turned into full on bleeding and within about 3 hours I had my miscarriage. I don’t need to go into the details but I knew what it was. Mostly because the second that it happened I started sobbing uncontrollably. Like I knew I had lost something. I can’t really compare it to when my Mom died but it was the same type of feeling. When I got the phone call that she was on life support but not dead yet, I knew she was dead and the sobbing leapt out of my body before I even had time to feel it. It was just a knowing. This was the same thing.

So I know I was only pregnant for 2 weeks but it’s traumatic. The entire time I was pregnant I kept thinking about our baby, about being a Mother, about having a family, about how much I wanted it and how I have never wanted it in my life but for some reason lately, since I met Tim really, I have wanted a baby. That I have been looking for this thing that is missing and it’s our baby. I guess I always knew when I met “the one” that I would want a baby but I would not want one a minute before then. And I didn’t, and now I do. But it’s strange. Now that Im not pregnant anymore Im okay if we do not have a baby. That feeling of wanting a baby has faded a bit. We both want a baby. Now might not be the right time because we have so much to sort out and still have not heard from immigration yet so who knows where we will be in a few months AND (deep breath) our entire lives are up in the air and let’s just top it all off with the fact that I have no health insurance and am pretty sure the NHS is not going to support my entire pregnancy without ever paying into it or being legal in this country. I know..stupid. Ya all can tell me how stupid I am for not keeping my health insurance going in the states but it’s over 500 American dollars a month and me, who does not believe in western medicine ANYWAY (except of course when I need it when Im pregnant ;) decided not to have it since I don’t have a whole shit ton of expendable income at the moment so decided to cancel it.

SO.....the good news is, I can get pregnant, which I was starting to think I was not capable of since I’ve never had ONE pregnancy in all my years (and believe me...I was not the most careful girl on the block, especially in my 20’s). The bad news is that Im scared that I cant carry a baby and that if I do get pregnant again I will have another miscarriage.

Im trying to not let my mind get to me. To know that if we get pregnant again it will be the right time. To know that there is never a “right” time to do anything and things happen how they happen weather or not I plan them. I also know that we are both okay if we can’t have a baby. Tim and I talked about it and he just held me and told me he loves me, he wants me regardless of what my body can or can not do, and if we don’t have a baby we will just have lots of pets and will deal with life how it comes. Reason number 101 why he is “the one”.

So Im fine. Tim is fine. It’s pretty crazy what your body does so quickly when you do get pregnant and it also feels good to have my old body and mind back for the moment. Believe me I would trade it in a second if I was still pregnant though. It felt really good being pregnant as confusing as it was. I felt whole, I felt like a woman, It’s hard to explain but if your reading this and you have been pregnant before you know what I mean. It’s an amazing feeling. One I hope to feel again soon. Maybe not too soon though. If we can plan it at all, it would be nice to have all the “what ifs” in check and some health insurance handy. It also makes me realize that you don’t have to PLAN to have a baby. I always thought everything needed to be in the perfect order and it doesn’t. And I don’t want to be one of those Mommy’s anyway. I want to be a hippy Mommy. Take my kid on my back across Europe, live unconventionally, home school (KIDDING), but you know what Im saying. I want to live an abnormal life. I realize I have most of my life anyway but now I’ve finally embraced and accepted it. I dont need to have a 6 figure income to have a baby, or the right house or the right car, or the right anything. And what is right anyway? I don’t believe in right or wrong anymore anyway...right?