I guess I should not be so hard on myself. I mean, it's inevitable that Im going to go through alot of emotions moving away from the only country I have ever lived in, the greatest friends and moving from a metropolitan city to a small village.
Right now Im going through the comparing England to America stage. We went out for Pizza last night because I have been craving it for so long and it just sucked. Like most of the food here does unless you love meat and starch. My upbringing in Minnesota actually did get me prepared for the English diet then 10 years of California ruined it all. Either way..why the English can't make a decent Pizza is beyond me. San Francisco can make a great Pizza and they are alot further from Italy. Anyway...I do love England. I did the same thing when I moved from LA and when I moved from Minnesota then a year later I fall in love with where ever I moved.
I just like to torture myself maybe??? Tim says I like to complain. I tell him that may be so but it's for the pure lack of any drama in my life. I need to complain about something since I have no gossip or drama. Because in the end...being in love in a healthy relationship is boring. No boy drama, I have no work drama, no drama in my small village, no drama with any of my new friends or any gossip for that matter, everything is just honkey fucking dorry. Whooo hooo...yawn.
So now I feel boring and bored. I mean..isn't this the place I've been striving to get to for so long? So much for "The Peaceful Life". I've got it and Im bored to tears. Does this make me boring? What is that old saying? Only boring people get bored. EEK. Am I boring? I would really hate to admit to that. The thing is there is so much I could do. I just need to do it. Take a sewing class, get into my hobbies, shit....write my book (if I knew what to write), do yoga. This is the ideal time to have a baby honestly. Then again maybe that is why people want babies. Because they are bored. Im bored and now I want a baby. That should fill up some time. Then it makes me question if I really want a baby or am I just bored? Or am I in this place because it's time for me to have a baby and that is why the universe has brought me here, to this place, at this time. There is a reason Im here. I know that. I have no clue what it is. Maybe just to save myself a heart attack from being overworked and to much stress? Or maybe Im suppose to marry Tim and have a baby and live in a small village? Who the FUCK knows. And Im exhausted of the tricks my mind plays on me. A constant tug of war. I never know what is right anyway. I can have a plan but that does not make it the right plan so I can never commit to a plan because then that means I get stuck thinking I need to follow through with it and things change constantly so what is the point of even having a plan? Try to stick to something that does not stick anymore? I guess that's what Buddhism is all about. Flow with the river and all that. Just let go. Be lead by life. I've read all 2000 books and have had amazing awakenings on a spiritual level and I still can't let go. So I guess this is just who I am. And today Im homesick, bored and am in desperate need for some drama. I guess I should take my own advice. It's okay to be uncomfortable. And today that is what I am.
2 comments:
Mama! There was no way you were going to move to a rural village and not have days, weeks, of boredom. This maybe is your lesson to find your inner drive, your purpose-fulness, your impetus to propel yourself into what you should be doing. Be that writing, sewing, or moving away from there. Breath thru it all, right? And follow your heart. Your bored, pizza starved heart. It won't lead you astray.
PS MISS THE HELL OUT OF YOU. Sharon
So true girl. Sooo true. Love you and miss the HELL out of you too!! xoxox
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