The hypocrisy of my belief systems

I think my blog is becoming pathetic and boring. Either that or Im just bored with myself and all this worrying I am doing so going to try not to write about it (as much) as I think it’s just fueling the worry fire. Besides, Im wasting all my stress free time off worrying about what Im suppose to do with my life, where the money is going to come from, what happens if we have a baby and there is no money, and on and on and on......blaaaaa. And Tim just looks at me and says, “why are you worried? We will be just fine.” And I want to strangle him because he does not worry about anything. EVER. It’s like he had that part of his brain surgically removed. Which is an operation I would like to be performed on me.

Im also changing the way it looks. Those little circles were starting to bug me.

Okay...not writing about that anymore.

Good news is I am still a non smoker. I have not given you the updates on that. It’s been alot easier than I thought it would be. I see someone light a cigarette in a movie and it triggers me wanting a cigarette then it passes. Im so so so oooooo happy to be one of the non smokers walking the planet again. I don’t even know how long it’s been. Just looked it up...almost 6 weeks. Damn..seems like a lot longer. Either way...Im not going back. I can never say never to anything so for now...just not a smoker anymore...for hopefully a very long time, like my entire life.

Im feeling pretty homesick still. For my friends but also for my country. I miss the familiar things, like driving on the right side of the road, the green road signs, the look of american money, american accents. I miss San Francisco, walking down Divisidaro Street, going to the Farmers market, I miss my ashram and my yoga teachers. I remember what it was like when I left Los Angeles though. I left some amazing friends and a city that I absolutely was in love with. I was homesick for 2 years. I even hated San Francisco. How anyone could hate it I do not know but I hated it and the people in it. I thought everything was a bore and there was nothing exciting to do there and all I wanted to do was go back to Los Angeles. Then about a year and a half ago I feel in love with it, the people there, I made amazing friends and finally let go of LA. So....I know it’s normal. Especially being in a totally different country where nothing is familiar. And I know I need to give it some time. And Im not saying we wont move back to San Francisco. Depending on what happens with immigration, I may very well be sleeping on all of your couches for a few months come January.

On that note...aaahhhh emmm....the only way I can stay here is if Tim and I get married. It’s really the only way we can stay together regardless if we stay here or move back to California. Which I feel is completely insane honestly. We love each other, we do not want to be separated. Im not a huge believer in marriage only because my success rate for this type of thing has not been so good. If I had the choice, I don’t think I would ever get married again. But then again, it’s not my choice now is it? Evidently..it’s the governments. And Im not even really angry about it. More than anything I find it interesting that for me to be with the man that I love who is not American, I have to marry him. Interesting right? I mean, we could make it work but the sacrifice would be great. I would have to get a job I do not want and get sponsored here or he would have to do the same there and it would be hard and expensive. So for me to be with the man Im suppose to be with I have to get married. Fine. So....we filed all the paperwork and immigration received it yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, there is a part of me that loves the ritual and institution of marriage. I want to be with one person for my life. I want that person to be Tim. I love the idea of a ring on my finger, until I actually get it on my finger then I start to freak out. Tim feels the same way. He does not even want a ring. But then again he wants me to wear a ring and I sort of want him to wear one. Ahhhh...the hypocrisy of my belief systems. It never ceases to amuse and amaze me. So...we should find out in a couple of weeks if they say yes to our pleas for marriage. I’ll let you all know what happens. Fingers crossed. Third time is a charm right!!