A constant lesson

Im continuing to find out so many things about myself. I know..it’s life’s journey. If we knew everything about ourselves and the world around us then what is the point. It would be a bore. You think you know everything and then you stop growing. So...surrender to the learning process, whatever it is and just go with it. UG!!! So hard!

I decided yesterday, after using an entire bottle of olive oil in like a week that I needed to get back on my macrobiotic cooking and stop being such a lazy vegetarian. I can’t even call myself a vegan anymore. I love milk in my coffee and cheese with my wine. Whatever..I probably always will like and allow myself all that stuff but if I cook with one more ounce of olive oil anytime soon Im going to barf.

Anyway....the point. A piece of paper fell out of one of my macrobiotic books that has not been cracked open for about a year and it said exactly what I needed to read as I have been FREAKING out about what Im suppose to do with my life. I wrote it down over a year ago. Back in the days when I used to meditate and do yoga. I got this out of a meditation and it reads, “Be patient and calm and allow my life to happen naturally. Allow the universal wisdom in and take it’s guidance.”

So....what have I learned from that? A few things.

1. Be patient. I keep putting myself on this time clock. I have 6 months (well...now like 3.5 months) to figure out what I want to do with this next half of my life and if I do not figure it out by January then I obviously have to go back to Apple. First of all, I have no idea WHY Im putting this limitation on myself. Totally out of fear. Fear I will not have enough money, fear that the whole visa thing will not work out and I will have to move back to America and get a corporate job. None of that is true. It’s all just me living in pessimism and fear and has nothing to do with reality. I have no idea what is going to happen. And if I need proof of anything one thing I do know is that regardless of what is happening in my life I am always taken care of and always land on my feet. Another favorite quote of mine is, “chose love not fear in every situation.” So going to try to use that one from now on. Try being the key word in that sentence.

1. Be calm. Right. And how can I do that? Number one, not listen to the freaked out voices in my head. And how do I quiet those? With everything I know and used to do. I have an arsenal of things I have learned over the years and have not been using any of them. So how about with yoga, with meditation. So...less olive oil, more yoga and meditation.

1. Allow my life to happen naturally. A friend of mine put it best to me at the beginning of this journey. “Just live and life will happen to you”. I love that.

So...Im going to try to just breathe deep. If I love something Im going to do it. Have faith. Listen to my body rather than my mind. My mind will race 1000 miles an hour and can sometimes be my worst enemy. I know when things are right and wrong by what my body is telling me. If Im physically comfortable, then it’s a yes. If Im uncomfortable, anywhere in my body, then I need to sit with it and find out what the problem is and listen to my body. For me that is where the universal wisdom comes in. It flows through our bodies and we have to listen to it. It comes in our intuition which is felt in our bodies and it’s constantly communicating with us if we listen and allow ourselves to feel.

I think about how long ago my panic attacks started and realize they were trying to tell me to slow down. To stop for a moment and think about what I was doing and see if this was right for me. I think about how fast my heart used to beat at Apple. How I would have to go in the bathroom stalls and cry because of the stress and then I finally just became numb. My body is alot happier and if Im patient, it will lead me to where Im suppose to go. As long as I stay open to it.