Clueless

How do we know what is true? What is reality? Why does it matter? Im reading the first pages of Richard Dawkins, The Greatest Show on Earth, and I already don’t know if I can handle the anger that is being spewed in the first few pages. Though Im interested in what he has to say so I will continue to read it. It’s all about Evolution and it’s a nice break from the, Hundred Years of Solitude, Im also reading. That one is wrapped in fantasy, ungrounded, and full of dreams blended with reality. Id rather life in a world where I choose what is real. Like Gabriel Garcia Marquez does in his Hundred Years of Solitude. I just wonder if in the end it really matters?

I think that is why I never enjoyed school. Listening to someone else’s theories on life (which is just how I saw it though none of it I believed or made any sense to me so I just stopped paying attention). I wanted to create my own belief system. Live my own life with the ability to know, based just on my “knowing”, what was right and wrong for me (granted...probably not making the wisest of choices on many occasions, but either way at some point always learning from them). I remember one day talking to my brother who put it simply, “I have no idea what happens after this life but Im just here, every day, trying to be the best and nicest person I can be.” Sounds like a good plan for life. Then again, does even that matter? If God is all forgiving we are all going to the same place anyway. Then again I don’t believe in heaven or hell but if there is and God is all forgiving that means even if you are a murder then we are all going to the same place anyway. That is saying if you believe God exists. Which even THAT does not matter. Because if he does exist he does not care either way. He’s got nothing to prove for God sake..he’s God. So does that mean nothing matters? So why even bother? Why not then just live in our moments, experience whatever we choose and stop making such a big deal out of it all. If you choose to be good, be good. If that’s what makes you happy. I know that is what makes me feel good. Im happier when Im healthy, eating right, doing good things for my self and for other people. Im happier believing in God, in the wisdom of the universe, in angels, but only because I find it more interesting. Not that I think anyone else should believe or I even care what anyone else believes. It does not matter to me nor do I want to push what I believe down anyone else's throats. If I read something that someone else writes and it makes me feel good then so be it. Either way....I know Im not happy when Im not healthy...mentally or physically. So..I just do my best.

Yet I continue to read. I have books all over the place. Half our apartment is full of books and I got rid of at least 100 of them when I moved to England. Im surrounded by them and I love them and find comfort in them like my old childhood teddy. I read to entertain myself. I believe what I choose to believe weather or not it makes any sense to anyone else or even myself. Based yet again on pure intuition and also what is fun to believe. Id rather believe that in 2012 the earth’s planets will align and the world access will shift and they are doing so slowly at the moment and there is this unproven, but felt by some, shift that is happening in the world right now because we are feeling the effects of the earths changes. Because we are connected to all that is. Even though there is no proof. That shift is silently, quietly, gently (not not so gently for some) It’s why you and I know so many people who are changing their lives and having a hard time at the moment because what we used to do no longer makes any sense to us and is making us miserable. Sound crazy? Maybe but it’s what I choose to believe.

I choose to believe that there are angles surrounding me gently guiding me but I have no proof. I choose to believe in flying carpets and fairy’s and vampires and things that go bump in the night because it’s more entertaining to me. Not because Im crazy...or I even want to run into a vampire at midnight by myself walking in a dark corner. It’s just more interesting to me.

And I love the theory of evolution so I read it. I just wish everyone did not have to go on a rant to prove a point (then again...I do believe Im on a rant at the moment :). Maybe it will get better. Maybe not but it will be interesting. And again, on my death bed...will it even matter? Probably not. What am I going to wish that I had done with my life? I really don’t know. Im CLUELESS!!! At the moment Im just going to enjoy my day in bed, in pain from cramps, reading all my books and trying not feel guilt for anything for a moment (guilt for not getting up and cleaning the house, getting in the shower, making the bed, leaving the bedroom, guilt for just sitting here and reading all day). Why is that so bad and why do I think there is something else I think I should be doing when this is all I want to do today? I know one thing...Im going to wish I did not feel so much guilt and worry in my life at the end.

Okay..I’m officially exhausted :)